Life as an Overly-Anxious Introvert

3:50am

2012-01-27T03:52:00.002-07:00

It is now 3:50am and I am wide awake. Just 7 hours ago I was yawning every other minute and ready to sleep for days...

Note to self: GO TO SLEEP WHEN YOU ARE TIRED.

Additional note to self: Follow the advice of your first note.

I have been avoiding my blog because I feel like I should write some sort of tribute to my father, but my feelings are complex. I will avoid it some more, but I miss him.

Guess It's Time For A Change...

2011-09-05T14:24:00.002-06:00

I have been home alone for a few hours now, I've done a little homework, done a little work-work, taken a nice relaxing bubble bath, ate some chips and pasta, and drank some Diet Mountain Dew.

I thoroughly enjoy being by myself, at times. I have nothing to distract me, nothing to pull my thoughts one way or another, other than myself. Right now, all I can think about is the upcoming change in my life - so it's time for a blog.

These past few weeks have been somewhat of a metamorphosis for me, let me tell you my tale.

The Beginning

It all started out when I had my annual performance review, with Melissa. The very next week I was invited (technically I invited myself, but that's another story) to a Team Building exercise with the team members from one of our major customers. Most people groan when they hear of the idea of "team building", but being young and inexperienced I am still excited by the prospect.

In order to participate in this ALL DAY meeting, I had to first take two tests. The first being the 16pf (16 personality factors) and the second, a DiSC assessment. Both extensive, both give you valuable insights into the reasons why you do the things you do. I have always loved taking personality tests. I have an extremely hard time understanding my strengths, explicitly. I could give you a general idea, but specifics are hard for me to determine. The thought of having those strengths written in a neat little paragraph has always attracted me.

I then met with the Director of HR for our major customers, who sat me down and pointed out my strengths, but also showed me my biggest weakness: low self-confidence and low self-esteem. At first, I felt embarrassed for having it stand out as so glaringly obvious, for a person that I have never even held a conversation with.

After going through my review and my test results, I found out that I do have a LOT of strengths as a leader. I can make decisions without being too emotionally involved, I am extremely self-reliant, I have better than average reasoning skills, and I am personable. The only thing that was holding me back is my self-esteem issue.

I decided to listen to what she said, and do something about it. I came to that meeting the next day with the idea that I am smart and have valuable ideas. I am part of this team, dang it, and I want to contribute. We eventually decided to start going through our "Emotional Life Cycles" to get a better idea of the reasons why we have those darn "hang ups". I, of course, cried through my entire thing.

But when it came time for people to give feedback to me, something that the HR Director said really resonated with me. "Lina, you have a tremendous amount of potential. Once you set a goal, and fully internalize it, you reach it. I think once you find out where it is that you want to go in life, you are going to just take off!" Later in the day, people had to give us feedback and everyone kept saying how positive, friendly, kind, and reliable I am. It made me feel really good to hear such kind things being said about me.

It also made me realize that even all of these experienced leaders around me, have weaknesses and imperfections. I don't have to be a perfect leader or person, I just have to try. And trying is something I can do.

The Middle

The next day, I was still feeling a little emotionally exhausted. But we had another all-day Executive Management meeting. We started out our meeting by trying to determine what it is that we needed from our HR department, our CEO was present and talked about how the HR department had been searching and searching for someone to oversee all of their systems. As he explained the position, I thought, "That's me. That is something I can do!" I tried to put the thought out of my mind, because I love my current job. I love my boss and I love the people I work with.

That night, I was talking with Melissa about the direction of our department and that I was not comfortable moving forward with duplicating HR processes within Inpatient, unless we let our HR department know that was our plan. I am not really sure how or why she jumped to the same conclusion that I had earlier, but she said, "So you're going to leave me and go work for HR, I guess!" Our Compliance Officer then came over and asked what we were talking about and then proceeded to tell us that her and our CEO had a similar conversation earlier that day. She said, "You know, what HR needs was sitting in that room (Lina)." He agreed, but also never even dreamed about asking Melissa.

After a long night, I ended up meeting with all three of them, the very next morning (Friday). I had all of their support to approach OUR HRDirector about it, so I went back to MLR's office and did that very thing. She also seemed supportive, but had to think about it over the weekend. By the end of Monday I had a job offer as MLR's new Human Resource Systems Coordinator!

And Where I'm at NOW

After announcing my move, I have only heard positive things from all of our departments about what a great job I will do in this new role. It seems as though everyone is so excited to have me there, and I am extremely excited to start - although, it is not without it's sacrifices. Inpatient is where my heart is and always will be. Melissa has done so much for me, and I could never express how grateful I am for that, as the tail end of this post. It will have to be saved for another day.

I have already felt a surge of self-confidence and self-esteem flooding into my personality. To have all of these great leaders say such KIND and AMAZING things about me, for what felt like a week straight, has helped to fuel my spirit. I feel so very unworthy of such an outpouring of love that it brings me to tears, almost every day. I feel alive and I feel unstoppable!

"Whenyou are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all yourthoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitations, yourconsciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new,great, and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive,and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamedyourself to be."

- Patanjali

Summer of 11

2011-08-02T22:33:00.002-06:00

I decided to change the background of my blog to the most blinding white background you've ever seen. I hope it hurts your eyes.

Actually, I don't hope that. I apologize if it does. I'm just too lazy to try and find a cute layout or spend time making my own. So... you get blinding white.

This summer has been a busy one. I went to my first management retreat, flew to Aberdeen, Washington, SAW HARRY POTTER and drove to Vegas with my family, and have spent many weekends with friends we have not seen for months. I have only had one class - thank GOODNESS. I couldn't have handled another one. But finally, I'm another semester down and now I know all about Access. I have three weeks of freedom and I plan to cram in many more friend hang-outs and visits to Nielsen's Frozen Custard.

Summer is glorious, here in Utah. It's not too hot, but it is definitively - summer. I love driving around with our windows down, with my hand stretched out the window. I love going to Liberty and Sugarhouse park and being surprised by secret ballroom dance gatherings. I LOVE the sunshine. It is amazing how much a season can effect your mood. It is easier to have sunshine in your soul, when it is literally seeping in through your very pores.

Questioning my identity, purposes, and value systems is constant. As it always has been. I enjoy life for small periods of time and then start feeling guilty for not working or pushing myself harder. I think I may be insane. I have so many thoughts in my head that aren't really worth expressing, at least - not in their current form. So I will end this post with my favorite quote of the day:

"Aim for success, not perfection. Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make yourself a happier and more productive person." - Dr. David M. Burns

Henry Ford on "Experts"

2011-03-21T21:08:00.001-06:00

Its good to be back in school again.

This quote kind of contradicts my last post, but I liked it. So I thought I'd share.

From My Life and Work by Henry Ford:

We get some of our best results from letting fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert - because no one ever considers himself an expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.

I refuse to recognize that there are impossibilities. I cannot discover that any one knows enough about anything on this earth definitely to say what is and what is not possible. The right kind of experience, the right kind of technical training, ought to enlarge the mind and reduce the number of impossibilities. It unfortunately does nothing of the kind. Most technical training and the average of that which we call experience, provide a record of previous failures and, instead of these failures being taken for what they are worth, they are taken as absolute bars to progress. If some man, calling himself an authority, says that this or that cannot be done, then a horde of unthinking followers start the chorus: "It can't be done."

A-ha Moment: Experience

2011-03-10T00:17:00.005-07:00

Today, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Part of my thinking comes through talking with Bryce. He is always so patient with me and listens to my ideas and thoughts as they pour out of my mind into something tangible that I can mold and shape.

If you know me at all or have even read the last few blogposts, I tend to THINK and THINK and THINK about things before I can make a decision. Then, I make that decision and CONTINUE to think and think and think. What I decided today was that my decision to go back to school for Business was a good one. A fitting one. For all of that stress and worry, I am happy to say that it has been worth it. Now, it's time to just keep my head down and get to work.

My last blog about college was rather cynical. I was promptly corrected during one of our management meetings. Perhaps you don't believe in a Higher Being, but I truly believe that this message was meant for me. Our Director of Business Development stated that "those four years of schooling set you up for lifelong learning." I had NEVER thought of it that way. Suddenly the practicality of school clicked in my mind.

I've been thinking a lot about how far I've come and how far I still have to go. I remember little Administrative Assistant Lina trying to figure out just what the heck PAFs (not important) were and FALLING ASLEEP while my boss was training me. I was 21 years old when I started work at Mountain Land. Now I am 25. I have been there 3 and a half years! The longest I have been at any job.

I guess I thought that mere time was enough, so I threw my name in for a giant promotion at work about a year ago. I didn't get it, but I don't feel upset or envious about it. I think I might have at first, but I don't anymore. I tend to block out bad feelings once they have passed. So far my life has been 100% happy. Ever since I can remember, I have had a hard time recognizing the value of experience and age. I have neither. I think that most of us around 25 DO have a hard time recognizing those important elements. We're fresh out of college (or just starting...ugh) and because we have a newly obtained degree, we think we know everything. We think the world should function in perfect logic and fairness. I have come to loathe that "know-it-all" attitude and enjoy learning from the tremendous resources that surround me. I have spent a lot more time with managers who are vastly more experienced than myself, this past year. I have come to realize that there is a lot to learn about life, about managing, and about people that can only come with age and practice. Sorry younglings - we DON'T know it all. SOAK UP the wealth of knowledge around you!

Today, I was reading some emails from my Pacific Islander Advisor at SLCC and I was thinking about potential "networking" opportunities I may have through their intern-like program. I got excited about my future as a Business major and realized I actually really do enjoy it. I can picture myself, quite a few years from now, having a tremendous amount of work experience IN ADDITION to my degree in Operations Management (I went onto the U of U's website and picked my focus 2 years before I actually get there, whatever).

While I have come to appreciate school for what it is - I will never discount the opportunities and confidence that Mountain Land has given me. I am not going to pretend like my job is stress-free and wonderful all of the time. I'm not going to pretend like I've never hated it. But it has pushed me to be better and to try harder. It has pushed me to learn. It has pushed me to face my fears head on. It has made me a lifelong learner. No words could ever express the deep gratitude and admiration I have in my heart for this company.

Today (TECHNICALLY yesterday) is the birthday of one of the most brilliant people I have ever known. Melissa - THANK YOU for taking a chance on me some 3 1/2 years ago and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to a forever friend.

Another Rant About College

2011-02-27T17:34:00.000-07:00

I have an essay due at midnight tonight. So instead of working on it, I have decided to distract myself with my frustrations about school. More specifically - college.

I have seen a lot of statistics lately about how NOT good we Americans are at obtaining advanced degrees. Its been in newspapers and I have seen multiple friends discuss this issue on Facebook. It depresses me, but at the same time - I am part of that statistic.

I have to ask myself - how did I get here? I am 25 years old. I still don't have a degree and I won't have my Associates until December of 2012. I know that timelines shouldn't matter, but they do. We compare ourselves to where other people are at. It is useful because it helps to propel us forward and keep trying. (An issue for another day) I could tell you about my entire schooling saga, but its a boring tale. Mostly about indecision and lack of funding.

I am determined to finish school now, because I don't WANT to be part of that statistic anymore. I feel that my lack of a degree (however unimportant it may actually be) is holding me back. I know that I will be seen as more of a value wherever I go in my life, if I have one. But really the person that is holding me back is myself. I've always believed myself to be smart - but I have nothing to prove it. I am not pushy, I am not in your face, I will not correct you if I don't think it is of critical importance. Many will probably attribute stupidity to my shyness. But really it is lack of confidence. This is the purpose for my finishing school - to know that I have learned the same things that everyone else has learned.

But if you will remember, this post is about my disdain for school - so let's get onto that point already.

I enjoy learning and I enjoy having a reason to think critically about subjects. About economic systems, about archaeological excavation, about the use of rhetoric. But what I'm NOT enjoying is the meaningless and tedious work. I thought that was supposed to end with high school.

I am writing papers about crap that doesn't matter. I am participating in discussions about crap that doesn't matter. I am taking quizzes about crap that doesn't matter. I feel like the subjects could be SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING but no one cares to actually have to TRY. I keep thinking that school is so much harder than it actually is because its COLLEGE and I'm PAYING FOR IT and society places SO MUCH VALUE ON IT. But what I'm finding out is that I DON'T have to try very hard to get a good grade. The last paper I wrote for my Business class - I wrote it the day of, with little to no thought behind it - I even told Bryce that it was not my best essay - got an A.

Maybe its because I'm 25 and I have learned a lot of these lessons that are meant for 18 and 19 year old kids. Maybe its because I'm at the community college. But maybe its because we place so much value on higher education, but we don't actually make our students work for it. THAT depresses me more than any statistic ever could.

I Can Do Hard Things!

2011-02-04T23:54:00.001-07:00

After 25 years of life, you'd think I would understand myself by now. But I am constantly surprised and/or frustrated with my tendencies.

40% of the time I feel confident that I can do anything if I just set my mind to it.
40% of the time I feel absolutely terrified of failure.
20% of the time I am wondering which one I am feeling.

I guess this is part of the 20%, but I feel like something is coming. I feel like I'm on the verge of a major breakthrough in my life. I can feel something changing inside of me. I'm tired of being nervous and passive and generally shy.

I think that all of my life I have felt like confidence was a sin. How ridiculous to even get that down in writing, but it is sadly true. People would congratulate me on an accomplishment and I would feel embarrassed. I felt that if I was proud of something I had done, that I was doing it wrong. That doing things for the sake of doing them should be a reward in and of itself. I still feel that way. I don't like to be ousted as someone who does well. I didn't want to be viewed as obnoxious by my peers. I have confused humility with self-depreciation.

For the first time in my entire life, I gave a talk in sacrament meeting WITHOUT blubbering all over the damn pulpit. I DID shake, I DID say a few nervous-awkward jokes to try and distract from that shaking, but I made it through it and I think I did a pretty good job. This time, I decided that these people didn't know me as the nervous and scared Lina. They have never seen me speak, this is my chance to prove to myself that I can give a good speech and I am proud to say that I did. I decided that I'm going to have to do a lot of scary and worrisome things in my life. I MIGHT as well do them most excellently.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

- Maria Robinson

2011: The Year of Simplification

2011-01-11T02:36:00.002-07:00

I love the beginning of each new year. It's a fresh start and a time of recommitment.

Last year I ended up setting a long list of resolutions. I referred to it for a few weeks, but ended up feeling so overwhelmed at all of the things I wasn't good at - that it was never looked at again.

This year I am trying to keep things simple. Sure there are a lot of worthy goals to be set, lofty heights to be reached, but what is the point if they have no real meaning behind them? What I've decided to do is look at what I claim my priorities are and actually try to shift my life towards keeping them there.

This basically captures all of the important things in life.

My Priorities (Listed in VERY Specific Order)

1. My relationship with my Heavenly Father.

I do have a few specific goals for this one: Temple every other week, more meaningful prayers, Christlike Attributes self-assessment, calling magnification, and scripture reading. This year in Primary we are creating a scripture reading chain. If the children read their scriptures at least once a week they get to add a link. It's my goal to add as many links to that chain as possible, but I'm only going to let myself add that link if I read my scriptures EVERY DAY that week. I know that there are going to be weeks that I won't accomplish it and I'm okay with that, but I want to really try and help that chain to grow - yes I really DO have the mind of an 8 year old.

2. My relationships with my husband, family, and friends.

I'm going to be better at investing TIME into these relationships. I let myself get so easily stressed and forget about all the people around me that I love. I might not have a lot of time to give, but I am going to try and be better at planning dates with Bryce, game nights with family, and lunch dates with my many friends that I miss so very much. I need to laugh more and I know all of these people will help me do it.

3. My own self worth.

It sounds so depressing to even have this as a priority, but it is something I struggle with often. I am always battling the pride/humility balance and my self-esteem seems to take the hit. I'm working on getting healthy, getting active, and going to school. Not a bad start, if I do say so myself.

2010 was OK. It was filled with ups and downs, ins and outs. I attribute it to out of whack priorities. I honestly believe that if we put God first, that everything else will fall into place. 2011 will be the year of putting those beliefs to action.

Happy (Late) New Year!

Mr. Business Man...er...Woman

2010-12-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

Over the past few weeks I have been having a reoccurring dream. Well, perhaps not the exact dream - but different versions of it.

I am being chased by some unknown group of people. They have been murderers, Nazgul, CIA agents, terrorists and the like. The first few dreams I had been pretty distant from my chasers, but as the dream kept coming they eventually got closer and closer until the other night I was literally fighting the Taliban. Watch out, Osama. I have been classically trained if you ever DARE cross my path!

I don't USUALLY believe that dreams mean anything. They seem to be a collection of random thoughts and I ALWAYS have crazy dreams. I didn't think too much of it until I was literally not wanting to sleep for fear that I would once again, be chased. I decided to do some searching on the internet. Thank the heavens above for Google!

"Your actions in the dream parallel how you would respond to pressure and cope with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, your dream indicates that you have a tendency to run away and avoid the issue."

I have been avoiding making a decision about school for the past semester. The time was approaching that I could NOT put it off any longer. I think and think and think and weigh the pros and cons of every possible outcome. I got some great advice from a friend on an earlier blogpost and realized I am thinking TOO much and I need to go with my gut. More importantly, go with what Heavenly Father wants and learn to let go.

Well - I have made up my mind (again). I feel so ridiculous for changing my mind this many times. They say the average college student changes their major 7 times - I'm the student that pulls that average higher than it should be.

Here is a quick list of all of my major considerations (in no particular order): International Relations, Spanish, Interior Design, Elementary Education, Political Science, Anthropology, Sociology, Speech Language Pathology, Economics, Communication, Psychology, Mathematics, Physics, Business. And I have gone back and forth between those COUNTLESS times.

What I have finally decided is that I am going to school for Business. Most of my classes don't apply to my new major - so I am basically starting over. Yep, I'm 25 and I'm starting college over again. It is hard for me to reconcile all of those years of wasted time, but I'd like to think I have learned a few lessons along the way.

Ultimately, I don't know what I am going to do with my degree, but I know that it will be useful in any field I happen to enter. I cannot seem to justify going to school for anything less practical AND flexible. For someone who changes their mind a zillion times over one thing - I need some flexibility.

I still don't know when children are coming. Perhaps it will take another reoccurring dream to get me to want to talk to Bryce about it seriously.

I didn't mean for this post to turn into a school update - I had intended to write about Christmas, New Years, and other vague thoughts. Perhaps another day.

I'm Taking a Lina Day

2010-12-27T13:01:00.000-07:00

First of all, I want to publicly state that Christmas on Saturdays SUCKS. Now I know that in 6 years, I need to plan for this problem. I took off Friday (since it was Christmas Eve) and did some last minute grocery shopping for Christmas Eve/Day dinners. I thought that was all I needed to plan for. Saturday night came and I realized I had no food. Dang, let's stop at the grocery store. Nope! It's closed and the next day was Sunday. If I wasn't Mormon, perhaps this would be alright, but I don't shop on Sundays. Sooooo we went to parents for dinner AGAIN.

Needless to say, I did not plan for the day AFTER Christmas and didn't even CONSIDER the day after THAT!

So, I didn't go into work today (Thank you, Melissa!). I need an extra day to actually get my USUAL Saturday items completed.

More importantly than that, today I get to be alone. Don't get me wrong - I love people MOST of the time, but I truly enjoy alone time. Listening to music, thinking, not talking, pondering my existence, praying. It's a perfect day to be an introvert and I am going to take full advantage of it.

I am going grocery shopping, visiting the bank, and cleaning ALL by myself. It is a glorious feeling to be alone every now and then.

Worrying About Worrying

2010-11-23T20:49:00.003-07:00

I think that when you start worrying about worrying so much, that it might be time to go see a therapist.

It seems like school is a constant anxiety for me. Not the actual homework, although - I do complain about that more than I should too (I'm ONLY taking two classes after all). What gets me so frustrated is CHOOSING what I am going to go to school FOR. That's right ladies and gentlemen, I am 24 ALMOST 25 and I still can't make up my freaking mind. I have probably changed my mind 5 times over the past year or so AT LEAST. So I'm not even going to BOTHER telling you what I think I might major in at this point in my life because it will probably change next week.

What's the problem Lina? Why can't you make up your mind?

First, let me tell you a story. I went to lunch with Candice on Saturday to California Pizza Kitchen. If any of you have ever ate there - ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING ON THEIR MENU IS PERFECT. I am a huge fan of CPK. They have the BEST food with QUALITY ingredients.

That being said, I had a slew of great options before me. I could REALLY pick anything and be happy. I was taking an unusually long time to choose. So Candice graciously offered her help. "Tell me the few you are deciding between and I will help you choose." My problem was that almost everything on the menu was one of my choices. The waitress came back and I STILL hadn't decided to I chose under pressure and ended up choosing Macaroni and Cheese (I'm a grown up I promise!). It was good, but I was thinking that perhaps something else was what I really wanted.

A few things I DO know.

1 - I want to go to school for something that I love.

Here's the thing, I love too many things. I love learning, I love reading, I love crafting (when I have time), I love music, I love cooking (again - when I have time), I love talking, I love listening, I love absolutely everything - it just depends on the day. Mostly, I love food and laughing - but I can't very well major in that. TOO MANY OPTIONS. JUST like the CPK menu!

2 - I want to go to school for something practical.

I don't want to go to school for years, spend thousands of dollars, only to find out I can't really do anything with my degree. What's the point of all of that JUST for the sake of education? I can read books on my own thanks! Ultimately, I decided to rule out Anthropology - it is too ambiguous and too general, that I don't feel like it would lead to anything worthwhile or even improve my current situation. I don't think I can go to graduate school at this time in my life, so I want a Bachelor's Degree that is actually useful on it's own.

3 - I want to go to school for something that fits my personality.

I thought about Speech Language Pathology and Psychology, but ultimately, I don't want the word diagnose to be part of my job at any given time in my life. Writing up treatment plans to help people get better? Sure, sounds great. But what if I do it wrong and they don't get better and I'm just making my best guess? I don't want to know that I have wasted anyone's time. I don't trust myself enough with another human's progress towards getting better. Plus, I can't really picture myself wearing a lab coat. Ever.

4 - I want to be the BEST at whatever I choose to do.

It is hard for me to pick anything because I don't know what I AM the best at and I don't want to go into.... Physics only to realize, I'm no Stephen Hawking. So then what's the point if I'm going to end up wading the pools of mediocrity?

5 - I want to be a mom.

I know that I can have a career and be a mother, but I am worried that I will end up sucking at one or the other and that one of them involves another life. How can I possibly come home from work and then give all that I have to my children and my family at home? Most days, I come home and want to do nothing. But I'm forced to at LEAST do school because I'm paying for that. Will that be what I do with my children? But will it feel like drudgery instead of fulfillment? So what's the point of going to school if I don't end up using it in a PRACTICAL realm, again?

I could go into the many branches that extend from each of these points, but I think that's all I want to reveal of my worry and anxiety for tonight.

Ultimately what's going to happen is that I will end up choosing under pressure and always wonder what could have or should have been.

Can Introverts Lead?

2010-11-22T22:25:00.000-07:00

Good news, my friends. We can. :)

Harvard Business Revew - Video

Rally to Restore Sanity - Lina Style

2010-11-05T23:29:00.002-06:00

As many of you may know by now, Bryce and I attended THE Rally to Restore Sanity on the Washington National Mall.

While I have been following the Facebook event page and #Rally4Sanity hashtag for well over a month now, I don't think I could have guessed what over 200,000 people would look like. The estimated crowd size was at 215,000 - which in and of itself is pretty phenomenal. But what it doesn't tell you are the thousands of people who never actually made it because the metro system was so packed - their total ridership for a typical Saturday nearly TRIPLING in size. Amongst other things - countless cities across the WORLD held their own satellite rallies!

I assumed that most of the people that would go would be around the 20 - 30 age, those of us who admire and adore Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert and their witty wittiness. That was not the case - perhaps these people also admire and adore them, but they were a far more varied bunch than I had assumed.

It was truly an amazing experience. Yes there were a few pushy people and one lady yelled at me, but only a few moments later I saw her acting very reasonably - so I would like to assume that I was the ONE person that pushed her slightly over the edge at that given second in time. Everyone was very friendly and jovial and all around happy and sane. Of course there were a few signs that I PERSONALLY deemed to be obviously LEFT-leaning, but it wasn't surprising. It is funny to me that Democrats seem to claim this rally as theirs (with Tea Party bashing also a fairly common signage topic) when Jon stated that this was a "Million Moderate March". I am not saying that either side is unwelcome, but when you criticize Republicans for doing the exact same things you are doing - how is that sane?

Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent here... focus, Lina. FOCUS.

It was a fun event, plenty of awesome signs, plenty of awesome people. We couldn't hear a whole lot where we were at and I was starting to get a little frustrated at the lack of sincerity OF the rally, when we started to move forward and finally Jon Stewart gave his closing remarks. The ultimate highlight of the entire event for me.

So we held a Rally to Restore Sanity. What does that even mean and why did so many people show up? I think it's because Jon has it right. To paraphrase, there are those of us who are the ACTUAL majority, those of us who are moderate. We don't have the TIME or the THEATRICS that it takes to be involved in politics on a consistent basis. We aren't the LOUDEST we aren't the PUSHIEST and so we don't get heard because we've got shit to do. I have a full time job, I am taking two classes (which isn't a lot - but it's a lot for someone who HAS to not only get an A, but 100% of the points or fairly dang close. Maybe I'm not so sane.), I have church callings, I have in-laws, I have my own family, I have friends, and I have multiple other little things that occupy my time. I don't LIKE to argue with people about politics because I DON'T believe that there is a RIGHT and a WRONG side to every situation. I genuinely LIKE most everyone, but when you differ from people politically - you are in for a whirlwind of google-searched tidbits of information and blame-fests galore. Everyone needs to CALM THE EFF DOWN.

So where do we go from here? How do we actually try to restore sanity? We can follow Jon's advice to compromise here and there. We stop labeling each other as Socialists, Bigots, Nazis, and Racists by recognizing that everyone is an actual human being - who is honestly trying to do the best they can. We can jump on the "Love Train" (This song has been stuck in my head since October 30th - I hope it will be stuck in yours now too).

We can GIVE PEACE A CHANCE.

Peace Train by Yusuf Islam (Cat Stevens)

2010-11-03T19:21:00.000-06:00

Letter to My Children

2010-10-25T22:50:00.001-06:00

I had to write a letter to my unborn children for my psychology class. Thought I'd post it on the interwebs for my future genius offspring to dig out of the 'ol internet archive someday...

Dear Buchananites,
I don’t know you yet and I already love you with all of my heart. I want to bring you into this world because it is my deepest desire to be a mother. While, I may change my mind constantly about what I want to go to school for or do as a career, that specific desire has never changed. I hope to be the kind of mother that you will come to whenever you are scared or worried or sad. I hope to be supportive of whatever choices you make and provide an unchanging source of love. You will grow up in a house of structure and high expectations. I want you to go to school, I want you to participate in various programs, I want you to expand your horizons and take every opportunity to learn about other cultures, people and ideas. I want you to have a full life with no regrets.

I hope that I will be able to teach you how to be good people, how to be kind, how to be considerate, how to be empathetic, how to give of your time and your talents to those who stand in need around you. I hope to be able to teach you to follow in the pathway of Jesus Christ and to truly have a testimony rooted in your hearts, as an unshakable anchor in your lives.

I hope that with your empathy you will be able to understand where other people are coming from, and that just because they have a different opinion that it doesn’t make them evil. I hope you can see other people as fellow brothers and sisters as well as fellow children of God. I hope that you will be able to work hard and have confidence in yourself that you will be able to do anything you set your mind to. While I want you to learn the value of hard work, I also hope that you will value goodness over money and that even if you end up making a lot of it, that you will give any excess to those who are less fortunate.

I know that I am not going to be a perfect parent and that I will worry about you a lot, and bother you a lot, but I offer you my love and friendship, and support no matter what the circumstances may be. I will help you with homework, I will make you good meals (I can cook pretty well), I will play with you, I will laugh with you, I will strive to create a home that is a place of refuge and comfort for you when all of your world may be in turmoil. I simply cannot wait to meet you!

Love Always,
Your Mother in Waiting

Jon Stewart is My Hero

2010-10-22T22:42:00.000-06:00

Go listen to the second part of his interview with Terry Gross from Today's Fresh Air program.

Jon Stewart Interview <---

Never Turn Your Back on Mother Earth (Cover) - Neko Case

2010-10-22T22:07:00.000-06:00

What The????

2010-10-21T23:59:00.002-06:00

I am re-working my blog, to hopefully encourage me to post more often. I had originally planned on taking on "weightier" issues. Which, I still plan to on occassion. But it made me feel like I could never actually write a blogpost unless it had some major thought and consideration put behind it.

So rather than taking myself too seriously, I'm going to lighten it up a little bit and talk about frankly - whatever the hell I want.

Perhaps you have known me many years, perhaps you have known me a few days, and perhaps we have never even met. Here are a few essential things you SHOULD know about me.

- I am Mormon, through and through.
- While I am Mormon - I have issues with my own "people" - so trust me, I may understand your annoyances more than you think.
- I sometimes swear when I think it will be funny or help to prove my point, but I will never drop F-bombs.
- As you may have well guessed, I am an introvert. Once you get to know me, we will laugh and have fun, but it takes a lot of effort for me to get to that point.
- Being an introvert, I like to read, I like to learn, I like to watch a lot of TV and eat a lot of things that aren't good for me.
- I also tend to feel extremely empathetic and understanding of people's struggles. I cry during EVERY episode of Biggest Loser, EVERY episode of Extreme Home Makeover (or whatever it's called), and ANYTHING that has to do with our Armed Forces.
- I am a nerd - and not one of those people who claims to be a nerd because it's now COOL to be a nerd. *cough* Olivia Munn *cough*
- I am going to school for something, but it changes every other week.
- I get stomach aches OFTEN
- I get headaches EVERY DAY
- I am slowly learning to say "No" to people and stand up for myself
- GENERALLY - I love life. But I tend to cycle through conquer-the-world optimism and I-will-never-amount-to-anything pessimism in any given 24 hour cycle.
- I like dashes. - - - - - - -
- I actually have a stomach ache RIGHT now and am operating on very little sleep this week - so I am going to go to go to............

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Love is the Answer, it ALWAYS is.

2010-10-09T17:04:00.003-06:00

I know, I rarely update. Only on a few occasions when I feel prompted by a recent event that deserves so much more thought and attention than I can give it in a few status updates or tweets. Those can each individually be taken out of context.

Last weekend was the Semi-Annual General Conference for Latter Day Saints. President Packer's speech titled "Cleansing the Inner Vessel" set off an almost immediate response from those in the LGBT community.

You can find a copy of that speech here: http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1298-23,00.html

Many of the LGBT community set up a silent and peaceful protest that was held around the sidewalks of Temple Square in Salt Lake City, UT.

I have seen hateful and unkind comments from both sides on all sorts of news articles, facebook events and statuses. Insults and arguing only worsen the problem rather than fixing it. I am not writing this post to say who is right and who is wrong. I am not going to discuss whether or not being gay is a choice or whether you are born that way. The issue is so complex that you cannot simply look at it from one view or the other. This issue has been one that I have struggled with for years. I have prayed many times to understand what my role is and what the churches role is in all of this. Guess what - I still don't know. I personally, am not gay. I cannot comprehend the struggles and the inner turmoil that goes on inside one's soul with all of the challenges that my friends and fellow children of Heavenly father will have to face in this life.

We all have our own theological and political opinions. Which is exactly why this is such a divisive problem amongst people in our community.

What I AM here to write about are what I think are some practical expectations of each other. We need to STOP hating and STOP assuming that our way is the RIGHT way. Nothing is ever going to come of that except hurt feelings and sadly - many other more serious and life-threatening consequences.

As far as I can tell these are two reasons that people are upset by President Packer's talk:
1) That it was ill-timed, due to the recent suicides amongst the LGBT community.

2) He re-iterrated his belief that being gay is a "choice". (I want to state again that I am not here to talk about whether it is or not!)

What do I REALLY think the problems are with all of this? Well that is exactly what my post is about.

I have grown up in the most densely populated Mormon area on Earth. Good old Utah. I have been a member all of my life, I am STILL an active member, married in the temple. Going to church, having callings, visiting teaching. ALL of that stuff. I KNOW what it is like to be Mormon. I may not be anyone of importance in the church, but I still believe in it's teachings. Never have I been taught to think more highly of myself because I am a member of that "elite" group.

Religions (not just mine) are about love, sacrificing for a greater good, humility. All of the great religious icons throughout history emphasize those characteristics. If religions really taught those things - where does the problem come in?

While maybe we'd like to think that the world revolves around our point of view, it doesn't. We need to learn to function within a society and learn to love EVERYONE for who they are. I've heard COUNTLESS comments (and probably have made some!) throughout my life: Can you believe they aren't getting married in the temple? Their daughter hasn't been to church in a long time, I think she has gone inactive. Their son is gay and doesn't believe in God anymore, and he even went on a mission! Isn't that a shame?

So where does that sense of superiority come in? Sorry, brothers and sisters, but that is on us. President Monson told a beautiful story during the Relief Society meeting a few weeks ago:

A young couple, Lisa and John, moved into a new neighborhood. One morning while they were eating breakfast, Lisa looked out the window and watched her next-door neighbor hanging out her wash.
“That laundry’s not clean!” Lisa exclaimed. “Our neighbor doesn’t know how to get clothes clean!”
John looked on but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, Lisa would make the same comments.
A few weeks later Lisa was surprised to glance out her window and see a nice, clean wash hanging in her neighbor’s yard. She said to her husband, “Look, John—she’s finally learned how to wash correctly! I wonder how she did it.”
John replied, “Well, dear, I have the answer for you. You’ll be interested to know that I got up early this morning and washed our windows!”
Tonight I’d like to share with you a few thoughts concerning how we view each other. Are we looking through a window which needs cleaning? Are we making judgments when we don’t have all the facts? What do we see when we look at others? What judgments do we make about them?
Said the Savior, “Judge not." He continued, “Why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?” Or, to paraphrase, why beholdest thou what you think is dirty laundry at your neighbor’s house but considerest not the soiled window in your own house?
None of us is perfect. I know of no one who would profess to be so. And yet for some reason, despite our own imperfections, we have a tendency to point out those of others. We make judgments concerning their actions or inactions.
There is really no way we can know the heart, the intentions, or the circumstances of someone who might say or do something we find reason to criticize. Thus the commandment: “Judge not.”

If anyone is feeling like they don't belong in our families anymore because of the choices that they are allowed to make for themselves, that is our fault.

I have seen many Mormon families continue to love their children, brothers, uncles, etc. despite whether or not they are active members of the church. Can we not all come to be a little more like those families? No gay teenager should ever have to feel like suicide is the only option because his family has cut them out of their lives. Can we not be more accepting of those families who have children, brothers, uncles, etc. who are not active members of the church? Instead of being so quick to judge and make little snide remarks? Some sins are easy to recognize, but others are not so. Are we not guilty of being prideful when we judge other's choices?

Now, I don't want to blame the Mormon/religious community completely. The LGBT community has some responsibilities as well. As we try (and I really hope we will) to understand and love you, will you give us the same effort?

Again, I don't claim to know the struggles that come with being gay. I love you and I admire you for the strength that you have in facing that challenge every single day. I hope that someday it won't be a challenge and that our community can accept you and love you for who you are.

But what I do hope you can help us with is letting those who are gay and WANT to be part of our church and WANT to believe that they can overcome that (whether it is genetic or not) and live up to the standards that our church has set, that you let them. We don't openly talk about those who are gay and who are still active members in the church, so we assume that they don't exist or that if they do they should leave so they can be their "true selves" and have pride in what they are.

When gay members of the church believe that the only way to be happy is to leave our church, it is also putting stress into their lives. If they are constantly hearing from those without that there is no way for them to belong within, then that is what they will believe.

Ultimately - this is all about our agency. If people want to leave the church for whatever reason, Mormons need to love them and recognize that they are free to do so. If gay individuals want to stay in the church for whatever reason, the LGBT community needs to love them and recognize that they are free to do so.

We need to love one another and support one another, no matter our theological or political beliefs, no matter our choices. We tend to want to blame the organizations for our problems - the Mormon church, the religious community, the government, the corporations, blah blah blah. But it all comes down to our individual choices to be good people and to care about each other. Otherwise this turmoil and hate will never end, and Lina will spend too many nights crying her eyes out. We have to come together and love each other for who they are and not what we expect them to be. Please! PLEASE! I beg of you, it has to stop. Now.

I truly hope that we can all follow President Monson's advice to "Judge not."

I Feel Like I Wouldn't Like Me if I Met Me

2010-09-06T01:33:00.000-06:00

Second blogpost in a week. It's like going to school makes me actually analyze my thoughts and whatever. Weird.

I don't know if it's just because I'm tired, but I'm feeling a little cranky tonight.

How quickly my mood has gone from introspective to apathetic to annoyed to cynical. I am left wondering how long this little bout of self-loathing will last? I pray that it will only be for a few hours, after which I will awake a refreshened and happy Lina.

I am awake - probably because of too much caffeine within the last few hours of the evening. Mountain Dew never does a thing, but if I get caffeine in the form of Coke Zero or Pepsi Max - I'm awake way too late. Maybe it's all in my brain. (I'm sure it is)

School is now at the center of my thoughts. I worry about it constantly, making sure that everything is in order, checking to see if there are new announcements. It does not help that all three of my classes are online, which means a new announcement could pop-up at any given time - all weekend long. So I check and check and check and check. I worry and worry and worry and worry. I plan and plan and plan and plan. What does this all amount to? It will probably put me three A's closer to a scholarship at the University of Utah.

But right now? It makes me ponder my existence, my purpose, my talents, and my inadequacies. I guess that is the nature of having three social sciences classes. Given that my Associates will be in Political Science and my Bachelor's will be in Anthropology - this self-relfetion will probably not end anytime soon. While I love it, I also hate it. I have a lot of issues with myself, that's for dang sure. When I don't have to think about it, life just plugs along fine. I might not be growing, but I also don't have to face any of my demons. Life without reflection is easy.

I am headed back to the deep end and what will I find? Is the deep end only terrifying because we cannot see what is there, when it turns out to be nothing at all? What WOULD my boggart (HP reference) turn out to be? Failure? Ignorance? Fear itself? I'm not really sure and I think that is what I am so afraid of. Actually learning something about myself and KNOWING something about myself that I REALLY don't like.

There are a few things that keep me optimistic in life and I try to keep a hold of them at all times, because I know that they will keep me from drowning while I wallow in self-pity. Here's to a brighter morning!

I Wear Different Hats

2010-09-01T23:42:00.000-06:00

I am really digging my classes this semester. Lots of thinking and questioning and pondering the whys and hows of life. Lots of introspection and self-review.

One thing that is rolling around in my mind today is how I tend to show different parts of myself to different groups of people. There are those select few who know all of me - every part - every belief - every desire. But MOST only know parts of me.

Up until this last week, I didn't really think anything of it. I never really thought about it as LYING it was just a matter of censoring parts that I know people might not agree with. Being amiable in nature, my biggest fear is confrontation. I have not had a TRULY confrontational encounter for a couple of years now. I try to love (or at least LIKE) people for who they are, but I don't know that everyone would feel the same if they really knew ALL of my opinions. Partially because I AM so contradictory.

I often don't feel part of my Mormon culture because I do have a few opinions and ideas that are out of the norm. However, I don't really feel part of the non-Mormon culture either because being Mormon is STILL a huge part of me.

Am I lying to myself and everyone else by acting different? By hiding those parts of me from them that I know they will be offended by? Or am I not giving anyone enough credit? Am I assuming too much of what I believe they will do rather than what they actually WILL do?

Are these variations of our personalities and personas necessary for us to coincide in society? Nicole "liked" a phrase on facebook that really stuck with me "Being nice to people you don't like isn't fake, it's being an adult." I would like to think that - but is it true? What really is the better choice? Are we depriving ourselves of a better society? Are we depriving ourselves of more meaningful and honest relationships? Am I in fact being fake or lying when I do this?

How can we really know who we TRULY are if we are always having to "play a role" in our social situations?

Perhaps if I sleep on it, the answers will come to me in the form of a giant cinnamon roll. Mmmmmmm cinnamon rolls.

Decision = Made

2010-08-29T15:19:00.000-06:00

The past week or so has felt a lot like fall for me. I always think that I like all of the seasons equally, but then when fall gets here, I remember why it's my favorite.

The crisp air, the sweaters, the jackets, the scarves. Trips to Gardner Vilage. Halloween. Holidays are just around the corner. Crinkling leaves and dark colors. Fall is when we go back to school with new clothes and anticipation and hope for a new year. Fall is when Bryce and I first started dating. Fall is when I first started listening to NPR.

It is the best time of year because it encompasses all of my favorite things.

This last week was the first "week" of school - if you can call it that. It started on Wednesday. I am taking Introduction to Psychology, Culture and Human Experience, and Intro to Archaeology. All of my classes are online - so I've had to set up a school schedule for myself. Planning what hours I will be doing homework, when I will be at work, when I will be at the gym, when I will have time for dates and family, etc.

I've taken my first two quizzes, posted my first three discussions, completed my first assignment, and I am starting it all over again this afternoon.

I love school! I love it so much - I want to take behind the middle school and get it pregnant. (Thanks, Tracy Jordan)

I am really excited for all three of my classes and I think it will be a great opportunity to grow as I learn how to really make the most of my time.

I have changed my mind again - for the billionth time, about what I'm doing with school. I have been going against what I am naturally good at. I ENJOY learning about business, I think it is INTERESTING, but it is not who I am. I am a people person. I am a well-organized people person. Not a business woman. I sat down and tried to figure out how many more classes I would have to take in order to get my Associates and transfer to the U in Business and it was SO MUCH WORK. So instead, I've decided to finish my Associates in Political Science (as I had originally intended). Which means only five more official classes! Then - I am retaking a couple as well as taking some of the U's requirements so I can get a scholarship for my last two years at the U. My plan is to graduate with my Major in Anthropology and a Minor in Business. Perhaps someday I will go back and get my PhD in Social Psychology - but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

I finally feel content and at peace. Things have fallen in place so neatly and orderly. That stress and worry that I thought was just associated with school - doesn't really exist when you are doing what is right.

Ahhhh - it feels good to say that. It's all coming together and I am so happy. My psychology teacher is CRAZY, but it is still worth it. Now ask me in a few weeks if I still feel that way.

Old Habits Die Hard. Except, Mine Won't Die.

2010-07-31T23:43:00.000-06:00

I am once again struggling with finding motivation to GET HEALTHY.

It's so funny to me the things that we get to deal with over and over and over and OVER AND OVER again. Why is it that we lose our resolve to do better and be better? Why do I let myself fall back into complacency.

I will have to admit that I have gotten better at NOT over-eating at stopping when I am full. I can't do without soda - so I am drinking diet instead. I'm still not used to the taste, but it's at least bearable now. Bryce and I are trying to eat healthier. Some days are better than others, but we are putting more of an effort into it.

My biggest problem is getting to the gym as much as I should. When I don't go for a day or two then I rationalize myself out of going for the rest of the week. LAME.

The problem is not that what I was doing wasn't working - BECAUSE IT WAS. I know the secret to weight loss! BURN MORE CALORIES THAN YOU EAT! Not so hard, Lina. I even know the correct calculations to figure out exactly how much I need to burn/eat in order to lose the weight I want in the time frame I want. I KNOW what the right things to do are - but I don't do them.

The same goes with a lot of things in my life. Right now, I should be reading my scriptures but I'm blogging instead. I KNOW that when I read my scriptures I am happier, so why do I miss a day here and there?

Why is it that even though we KNOW what is best for us, we still choose unwisely? Do I literally have no will-power? Or why does it last for a few weeks/months and then fizzle out? Why can't I keep that up? Why do I let myself get distracted with so many things? Why do we shoot for the easiest way out when we know that good things only come from hard work?

Looks like tomorrow is going to be some serious facing my inadequacies time. I've GOT to work on my weaknesses instead of expecting them to magically disappear.

Let's go, Lina!

Looking For and Settling INTO My True Self

2010-07-28T20:04:00.002-06:00

I have been struggling the past little while, I can't really say how long. To find some definitive meaning in my life. When you get married, life changes. I'm not so much talking about learning to live with another person, make decisions with another person, etc. All of the sudden you are presented with the person you truly are and that is what has been hard for me to face.

When we are single, we try so hard to be exciting, to be fun, to be wanted and needed by others. Popularity and social events are what help you to feel happy. We tend to think the more friends we have = the happier we are. Ultimately MOST of us are seeking to find someone to share our lives with eventually. Someone who will love us with all ups and downs and everything in between. That is MOST (again - not ALL) of our desires. To settle into comfort and happiness.

I am by no means dissatisfied with my marriage. I married the man of my dreams. We are perfect for each other and he is pretty much as perfect as it gets (I'm serious). We are learning how to save money, how to work together, how to love each other more deeply. I love marriage.

While marriage is about all of those wonderful things, we tend to get comfortable. It becomes our foundation, our constant. So we end up showing who we truly are - for better or worse. We are faced with the prospect of determining ultimately who we are BECAUSE there is none of that fake stuff anymore. We are no longer distracted with social gatherings, popularity, and frivolity. Now is time to make something meaningful of ourselves.

I have learned a lot of things about my TRUE self.

1) I expect too much of other people. Somehow they are supposed to be perfect while I am not.

2) I am an introvert. I no longer enjoy having fake conversations. If I don't feel at ease in conversation with someone, I will probably not try to hard to be their friends again.

3) I enjoy working. It is soooo stressful sometimes, but I have grown a LOT because of it.

4) I am confident that I can do anything when I try.

5) I take ownership over everything. I always feel like there is SOMETHING I could have done better or do better. So sometimes I get myself involved in things that I grumble about the whole time because I don't have the heart to say no.

6) I am starting to let go of meticulously planning the rest of my life. Living in the present is hard to do, but it is the only thing I can do so I need to enjoy it.

7) I need more hobbies. Because I have NONE.

SO - I am going to try and get away from TASKS and move to MEANING. Something that really fuels my spirit and soul. And this is what I am trying to figure out right now.

Perhaps this blog can help me settle into my true self and help to propel my learning as I try to make a record of it in some coherent form.

I am also going to start volunteering at the Humane Society. I love animals. I hurt for animals who have no love in their life and I want to give that to them until we can have a pet of our own.

There's a start - blogging and volunteering. We'll see where it leads me!

A Mormon Perspective: Eternal Marriage

2010-07-06T16:51:00.002-06:00

This is probably one of the few topics that my Mormon-ness and conservatism REALLY sticks out. The other day I was listening to the Diane Rheam Show about Late-Life Divorce. I was so surprised to hear that the general consensus was as follows:

If a marriage isn't working - get out of it.

Now, while I agree that there are some relationships that are BAD. Some relationships are abusive. Some relationships definitely need to be ended for either the emotional or physical safety of one of the parties involved.

However, in general I think that divorce is a cop out. (It is hard for me to make a blanket statement like this - so I definitely encourage any thoughts otherwise)

For those of you not familiar with the LDS faith - we believe in eternal marriage. We get married in those temples because we believe that a marriage sealed in that temple, lasts for well... eternity. Once someone has been married in this temple it is much harder to get a temple divorce. I am not certain on church protocol but I believe that at LEAST one of the Twelve Apostles has to perform this separation (I say this because I HAVE had one friend divorced in the temple and one of the twelve was involved in her life for some time - so this is my assumption). Either way - it is a BIG deal and something not entered into lightly number one because we believe in ETERNAL MARRIAGE.

What kind of perspective does that give me? First of all - I was a little more hesitant in getting married to begin with. I was absolutely terrified. I made sure that it was the right thing for me to do and to the right person. Second - because this marriage is going to last forever, do I think that in maybe 10 years or 20 years or 2 that when Bryce and I hit a rough patch and don't want to communicate or work things out - that I can just decide to end it?

What about our children? (Yet to be born of course). When parents divorce - it screws up the whole family. I am certain that most people do not enter into this decision lightly, especially when children are involved. However, on this particular program they were talking about how when people are divorced they may not be happy immediately, but they are a few months or years down the road.

Wouldn't that happiness come anyway if you were both committed to making that relationship work?

We have become so selfish in our society - going from one whim of fancy to another. If your partner or spouse is not fulfilling everything you need you either are not actively working on it or you chose poorly in the first place and I'm sorry - but that is your own fault in that case. Why would you destroy your family and upset your children for YOUR poor choices?

I honestly believe that if BOTH parties are committed to making the relationship work NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS IT WILL WORK OUT. That is why I am grateful for Eternal Marriage. We have made a commitment to make this marriage last FOREVER. We can't leave when it no longer satisfies our "wildest fantasies" or when it turns out to be just a little more difficult to manage. We have made that commitment to Heavenly Father, but most importantly to each other and even MORE importantly to our future children. When things get hard - it's no longer for us, we are here to raise them in a loving house hold - EVEN WHEN it is NOT fun.

Meh - divorce, huh?

Come to New York and I'll show some really good pizza. Okay, maybe not really good, but there are lots of options - my fave? Broccoli and chicken!

2010-06-15T01:46:00.001-06:00

Ooooh. I love pizza, broccoli AND chicken! Sounds like a winning combination to me! :D YUMMY!

Ask me anything

Surprise, it's Elder Bednar!

2010-06-15T01:34:00.000-06:00

For any of my Mormon and/or Utah friends I am certain you know who Elder Bednar is. Well, guess what! He was in my meetinghouse on Sunday. He didn't speak in our sacrament meeting, but he did speak in our sister ward's meeting - so Bryce and I stuck around.

Needless to say - it was AMAZING.

I've been feeling a little complacent about the gospel for the past few weeks. We went to the temple on Saturday and it was really nice, but I didn't feel of that same spirit I used to feel and I thought to myself... will the gospel only become more monotonous and repetitive as I grow older? Will the temple end up being a chore instead of a blessing to me?

Again - I try and speak openly because I figure that others have felt this way and maybe it made them question their testimony all together.

I am here to testify that it is OK to feel that way on occasion, but what matters is how we resolve it. I think it is absolutely vital to anyone's personal testimony to question, to wonder - IS it all true? But the scriptures promise us that if we ask in faith we will receive an answer. And my firm belief is that no matter what we are worrying about or questioning BECAUSE it is true - we WILL always get the same answer.

And guess what - Sunday an Apostle of the Lord was there to lay the smack down and get me whipped back into shape!

I am prrrrrretty sure I have said all of this before, so let's just get into my post already!

There were a few things that Elder Bednar touched on that I want to record before I forget:

1) Seek ye fist the kingdom of God...and all these things shall be added unto you.

Heavenly Father will never withhold blessings from you because you are occupying your time with service to others. It will only help to sharpen and define your personality and your abilities for those blessings to come later on in life.

2) MOST spiritual experiences are NOT grand in scale.

Too often we think there is something wrong with us because we are not having those grand spiritual manifestations. If we are expecting those moments to happen often - our faith is weak. It is the small things and the tender mercies (eh? see how I referenced another one of his talks??) that are the REAL testimony builders.

3) We NEED to get out of the habit of waiting for an answer and become anxiously engaged.

I know that I have prayed many a time - waited for an answer, did not get one so I did not act. We think that we have to be told exactly how to do something before we can do it the right way. Do we not remember Nephi's example? He went ahead not knowing beforehand the things which he should do. NEVER the less - he pressed forward in faith. If we move away from asking for the answers and move towards asking Heavenly Father to guide our path - we will always achieve more.

What a great end to a great weekend. I am truly coming to appreciate those small things that help to reaffirm my testimony - like an Apostle showing up to speak in Taylorsville, Utah. Whatev... :)

Growing Up is Overrated

2010-06-07T00:56:00.000-06:00

First of all, I apologize. I tend to write more blogs when I am feeling depressed so it sounds like I am sad and gloomy all of the time, but really it is just therapeutic to get it out. I have come to realize that we need to learn to talk about the uncomfortable things in life in order to progress.

I try speak my mind knowing that ultimately I do have faith and ultimately everything will be okay, but that maybe someone might read this and realize they have the same problems and that they are not unwarranted.

These past few weeks have been very stressful for me. Granted one of the weeks was NOT my fault (PMS - EWWW) but I still had the CHOICE to handle it with more grace than I did and failed miserably. Luckily, the next month will always roll around and I will have another chance to prove I can be happy even when the hormones are stacked against me.

I have had great anticipation about getting a new position at good old Mountain Land. If any of you have ever run for office or been up for a promotion there is a great excitement in that anticipation. You feel that you have truly done all that you could do and now it is in the hands of others to ultimately decide your fate. The day you will find out the results is ridiculously long and hard to get through. It's all you can think about and that relief of knowing one way or another cannot come soon enough. That day has stretched over the span of a few months for me. Two weeks ago (the PMS week) I felt like it wasn't going to happen anymore. Probably mostly because we all tell ourselves stories and I wanted to set myself up for disappointment JUST in case all of my fears were realized. Needless to say, it is an awful way to live. It was a hard week only followed by another hard week of uncertainty.

Finally, the end came on Thursday and I found out that I am in essence being promoted. That's right folks, you are reading a blogpost written by the Inpatient Operations Analyst of Mountain Land and Brighton Rehabilitation. (You were wondering why it was such an awesome post - well, now you know.) First of all, I am very excited as I have been since I knew of the possibility. I am excited to learn knew things and to work my butt off to make our department and company more efficient and more valuable to society. I truly love Mountain Land and believe in it's vision.

However, I do not feel that bliss or that ecstatic-ness (Is that even a word? Deal with it) that I expected to feel. Ahh, GIDDINESS that is the word I meant. Giddiness. I don't feel it like I did the day I found out I had won an election. I questioned myself, "Is it because I am not capable? Is it because I am worried that MLR is concerned about my capacities? Is it because it is not right?" Ultimately, I found my answer. Which tends to be a theme in my life. I feel caught in the middle of staying young and growing up. I thought that once I graduated high school - I would feel like an adult. I thought that once I got married - I would feel like an adult. I thought that by getting a promotion at work - I would automatically feel completely ready and able to complete everything that is going to be required of me. I thought that once I was no longer an "assistant" I would feel like an adult.

It turns out none of that is true. I feel like I don't fit in with people my age anymore because I sometimes tend to get too serious or too involved at work (and really about life in general) and yet I don't quite fit in with those corporate people. I feel like a little kid following her boss around who doesn't know how to hold her own in a conversation. I don't feel serious ENOUGH to be around these people.

Do I think I am smart enough? Hell yeah. I am confident in myself (MOST of the time) to be able to figure out anything and everything. It's all a matter of time, learning, and dedication to excellence. But at the same time, I feel scared that people won't take me seriously enough. I feel scared that I won't take myself seriously enough. So here I am, 24 years old. Still struggling with jumping into life as an adult. Can't I just watch cartoons and eat spaghettios all day?

What's one thing you own that you should probably throw away, but never will?

2010-05-26T01:25:00.001-06:00

Actually - I can't think of something that i would NEVER throw away. To everything there is a season. Right?

Ask me anything

Ahhhhh, Regulation.

2010-05-26T01:23:00.000-06:00

Bah - I can never think of what to write about.

The problem is that I am always thinking a million different things, so I can never decide on what is blog-worthy. I guess I should just start with one and go from there, eh?

Today - I am going to talk about what I think the biggest problem facing America. I would even go as far as to say humanity, but I can't say that I am up on all other aspects of the world right now because it's hard for me even to keep up with the land of the free. The reason that I got thinking about posting this was because of a friend's comment on one of my facebook statuses (Heyyyyy, Ben), so I figured I would expound a little bit in the form of a blogpost.

What do conservatives say that the problem is? Government. What do liberals say the problem is? Private companies. I speak in generalizations here only for the sake of my post. I am certain that there are many variations, but we can probably boil it all down to one thing and that is pride.

Over the past few weeks a major topic of discussion for me has been the idea of a reward system. I am a firm believer in promoting and valuing different types of talents and skills. However, at some point you must weed out the weaker ones in order to grow. THIS is why I believe in capitalism. I believe that one of the greatest things about human kind is our ability to innovate. I think that private companies and businesses are so valuable to society. They develop products and services that we NEED. Without that drive, we would become stagnant. We would cease to be humans and instead become drones. (And WHO LIKES DRONES!!!?)

On the other hand, I do believe that everyone needs to play by certain rules. At some point that reward is never fulfilling enough. Suddenly millions of dollars still cannot satisfy and thus - we get ourselves into a financial meltdown.

This is where I believe the role of government comes in. Do I think that government should run everything? DEFINITELY NOT. I work for a company that is paid through the grace of Medicare and I will tell you right now, it is CONFUSING crap. (I would use stronger words, but let's keep it family friendly). We are going to be undergoing some serious changes in the way we are reimbursed for services this year and I often ask myself, "WHO THE HECK IS COMING UP WITH THIS STUFF ANYWAY!!!???" I SEE the fruits of some of their work and I am often left in complete amazement. My BIGGEST pet peeve is needless complexity and that is all of what government (currently) is to me. NEEDLESS COMPLEXITY! However, companies HAVE to play by the rules! Companies can't set those rules! A public entity must do that, one that is supposed to be fighting for the common good of the people. Not a third party who is going to make some sort of profit by throwing up red flags here and there. BUT regulation IS important.

But who regulates the regulators? While companies need regulation. Unfortunately, so does the government. This is where we as citizens need to start stepping it up. We need more government transparency. I want to know where every cent of my taxes are going! I want to know that my elected officials are actually going to make those hard decisions and stick to what their constituents want and not what is going to get them re-elected. I see us moving off onto far ends of the spectrum. Candidates being thrown out of office because they are not far right or far left enough. (This is another topic for another day, however). A lot of people are uninterested in what is going on BECAUSE there is so much that is going on and it is hard to know what is going on! We are bombarded with information, it can be a little overwhelming. I consider myself to be pretty well-informed, but I still get surprised quite often. Regulation is important! Politicians need to play by the rules too!

My point is that both private companies and government need to be regulated, because none of them are perfect entities. So many people get caught up in that pride. They like the power, they like the money, they are proud of themselves and then tend to lie and cheat a little here and there. And why not if no one will catch them? We need to get better at catching them and holding them accountable.

"Character is manifested in the great moments, but it is made in the small ones." - President Hinckley

What is your favorite food?

2010-04-03T23:47:00.002-06:00

PIZZA! Without a doubt!!!

It is such a versatile food, that I could eat it every day! Oh boy.

I LOVE PIZZA!

California Pizza Kitchen - for their odd, but totally awesome combinations. Who knew lettuce on a pizza could taste sooooooo good??

The Pie - for their soft, melt in your mouth crust! (And cheese pull-aparts CHEESE PULL-APARTS!!)

Papa Murphys - because it's just so dang cheap!

Pizza Hut, Dominos, and Papa Johns!

Pier 49! Sbarro!

Pizza pizza pizza!!!!

Which brings me to Little Caesars - not my favorite. BLECH.

Ask me anything

Why are you so cool?

2010-03-31T17:46:00.002-06:00

Well, I appreciate the compliment! But I am definitely NOT cool. I am probably the exact opposite of cool. I once tripped at school and scraped my face not in elementary, but in COLLEGE. The same day cheerleaders made fun of me because I liked physics.

I also used to run a pretty successful Harry Potter RPG website. I was the Headmistress of the Beauxbatons Academy of Magic. I would spend hours and hours and hours formatting pages, scoring Quidditch tests to determine who would make the house teams, recruiting teachers, planning lessons, formatting discussion boards that were password protected so only members of that house could enter their common room. LOTS of work.

I also used to play a Daisy Brandybuck on lotrplaza.com I was a member of the Shire Defense Squad, Shire Knitting Circle, and I believe the brewery (the name escapes me).

I listen to NPR all day long, watch LOST faithfully every week, tend to have a hard time ripping myself away from my desk at work MOST days, and I stress and fret over grades at school. I can speak most successfully in a listhp, and my one wish for Christmas this last year was a Crayola Color Explosion Glow Board! So yeah. Lina = so NOT cool.

:)

Ask me anything

Can I Claim the Title Islamic Christian?

2010-03-31T15:18:00.001-06:00

I just got back from an interesting discussion about the Islamic religion. To be quite honest, I have had literally no knowledge of the religion previously. I don't claim to be all-knowledgable NOW, but it has opened my eyes to a culture I had always heard and deemed to be "oppressed".

The discussion leader himself mentioned that many Islamic countries are corrupt, but that the religion itself does not promote corruption. In fact he says that the religion most closely identifies with a democratic type of government. The Qur'an has specific criteria that must be met, but as long as they are met, people are free to interpret the proper application for themselves.

I still have a lot of questions, but there were a couple of things that stuck out to me today. First of all their devotion and second of all the symbolic actions and gestures they perform in order to worship. Perhaps they are not so symbolic to those who are actually members, but I recognize them as symbolic because a lot of what we do in the Latter Day-Saint faith is exactly that.

First of all, their devotion. More specifically the way in which they pray. I assume if you are not completely sheltered you must have at least seen the manner in which they pray, but I am including a picture anyway.

What do Christians do when they pray? We fold our arms, we bow our heads, sometimes we kneel, sometimes we are sitting, sometimes we say quick prayers in our cars or as we are walking to another destination. We act as if our Heavenly Father is distant. The REASON Muslims pray in this manner is because they feel as if they are praying to a god that is WITH them. How differently would we act if we were actually speaking to God? I think we would act a lot more like Muslims do. We would be bowing and worshiping. I would be a mess. I would not be worthy to speak to Him. If we were literally speaking to the Creator of all life, how would we act? I am going to start to take my prayers a little more seriously. I am in fact speaking with my Father in Heaven, I can get my butt up out of bed and kneel instead of sitting and slouching. I can show a little more respect to the One who gave me my body to sit and slouch.

What I also find significant is that a lot of us only consider our religion on Sundays. Yes throughout the week we have little pieces of it, but how devoted are we? Do we really take it that seriously? Or have we become diluted by American culture? What I think has happened is that we as Americans believe that we should have the absolute freedom to do whatever we want. "I don't want to be told what to do." We feel as if there is some sort of defeat, some sort of giving up if we allow someone else to give us rules. Too bad that in the rest of our lives we do not have absolute freedom. We impose restrictions on our own lives every day due to societal, family, and lawful expectations of us. A topic for another day. What I find most admirable is that their devotion is not just a one day a week thing. It is inherent in the way they dress, eat, date, bathe, etc. It is a WAY OF LIFE not a PART of their life.

Second, the symbolism. In order to enter a mosque for worship you have to be clean. Not just GENERALLY clean, take a shower, put on clean clothes, etc. You have to do a certain type of washing (*and the name has escaped me, so if anyone knows what it is called please let me know) in order to prepare to worship. He spoke about urinals, YES urinals. If you have cleaned yourself generally and *specifically and you use a urinal, you must go home, take a shower, put on new clothes, do the *specified cleaning and THEN you can go worship. Because there is that TINY chance that ONE speck of urine has splashed back to your clothes. You must be absolutely and completely clean.

In the Christian faith (and perhaps Jewish - I'm not Jewish so Jews, please weigh in!) we talk a lot about being clean and pure. We get baptized in order to be washed clean from our sins. We speak of washing before entering the temple in the Old Testament. What I find most interesting is that Muslims have to go through a type of cleaning ritual in order to worship. I do not take a shower specifically before going to my temple. I do not take a shower specifically before going to church on Sunday. I know that we repent of our sins, but I feel that the symbolic and purposeful act of washing yourself could be very liberating.

I have such a deep appreciation for the principles I have been taught today. I am excited to learn more. Who knew that going to a lecture about the Islamic faith would help me to be a better Christian!

How high can you jump?

2010-03-29T23:36:00.002-06:00

I actually can't jump very high at all! My short little legs do not serve me well. But is there any incentive for me to jump high? I have a husband who is an entire foot taller and has exponentially longer arms than I. Soooooo I'm cool with it.

Ask me anything

What's your favorite color?

2010-03-29T23:33:00.002-06:00

Actually, I don't have a favorite color. :) it changes on almost a daily basis. I just like color and don't discriminate! Is that as undefined as I can get? I think so!

Ask me anything

Getting Caught Up in the Thick of Thin Things

2010-03-27T02:20:00.000-06:00

Why does maturity take so dang long? I am getting older in years, but I don't really feel as if I have changed significantly. And yet, when I think about it, I recognize the silly mistakes of my youth.

Tonight the topic of student government came up, I remember really wanting it at the time. To be an officer, to have "the jacket", my picture up on the wall. Yep that's right, I was a quality officer, I wanted popularity NOT to serve my fellow students. I am sure that somewhere in me there was that want, but I highly doubt it was the major reason for running. Are we really that selfish so early on in life? I'd like to think I wasn't the only one. My sophomore and junior years were really fun. Being the Student Body Vice President (I know, I'm pretty awesome right?) was NOT so much fun. I am sure some of you are quite surprised that I achieved this "popularity" given my oh so obvious nerdiness. Either way, I can't really remember a lot of the specifics, but I remember there being too much of that dreaded "drama" definitely due to my own immaturity.

I think back to my days at the Family History Library where I was deemed as a negative employee, I don't think it was entirely unjustified, I WAS negative. Not always, but a lot. When I first started working for Mountain Land I got in a fight with my boss about music, that I played mine too loud or something. It doesn't really matter what happened, but when I think about it now I just laugh at how young I acted. Over these past few years I see the calmness that is starting to prevail in my personality.

When we are young we have such high expectations of the world. We want everything to be perfect. Everyone to be perfect. We know we aren't, but we expect it of others. When they have those inadequacies we feel that need of immediate resolution. You suck = punishment. It is hard to not want justice to be served right that instant.

What I am coming to learn is that if we are good people, good things will find their way into our lives. We surround ourselves with the things we think we deserve. Every now and then, someone stumbles in that is not so awesome, but they soon leave IF we really want them to. Those not so awesome people cannot go on living their lives that way - it is simply not in the law of the universe. If something is broken or damaged, it cannot keep going on doing what it's doing without getting fixed, it eventually will stop working. There will always be a day of reckoning. Whether it is now or later should not be our concern.

We cannot change other people, change has to come from within. This is true of individuals, societies, nations, etc. Change HAS to come within for it to be meaningful and lasting. When something is forced upon us, our natural instinct is to react and do the opposite. Often just to prove a point. Instead of worrying ourselves with when justice will be served, we need to worry ourselves with becoming honest and good people. We will do two things when we are focused on ourselves 1) we will become more empathetic towards others as we realize the imperfections in ourselves are so great 2) we will become better because we are consciously trying to.

It is sad to think that it took me 24 years to get this one small bit of life figured out, let's hope the rest will come a little bit quicker.

Of Progressives, Queers, and Tea Baggers

2010-03-23T23:34:00.000-06:00

Healthcare. That’s what I’m talking about, healthcare.

I have to get my two cents in here about it, but I don’t want to shove it in anyone’s face, so it will just sit here on my blog, perhaps to be read by a wandering blog traveler.

I personally think that healthcare reform is AWESOME. Insurance companies should be regulated. ALL companies should be regulated! Look at where the LACK of regulation got us??? The worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. No one DARES to question the infamous market!!

Now, I am not one that objects to a company or a person making the best of their life and their company. That is the spirit that has driven America since it’s beginning. We work hard and we deserve to be rewarded for our efforts. If someone is savvy enough to create a profit and grow to become a more valuable company, I commend that! Where would we be without such innovation? We wouldn’t be America! I am not expecting a handout from my government. I am a firm believer in honest to goodness hard, dedicated, WORK. A value that has definitely been severely deteriorating consistently for a long time now.

But I don't think it just happens on the "poor" end. It is not just the "poor" people who are taking advantage of the government systems. Just because someone has become rich, does not mean they did it honestly. Again, I emphasize that I am NOT against capitalism and the privatization of companies. What I am against is exploitation and laziness, and it happens everywhere. Our own politicians and elected officials do it! People that SHOULD hold themselves to a higher standard because they are getting paid on OUR dime.

I am absolutely fed up with the way this country is going, but NOT because of it's politics. Political tides come and go. We get fed up with our problems and so we vote in Democrats. Obama is going to save us all! We get fed up with our problems so we vote in Republicans. Scott Brown is going to save us all! Perhaps instead of hoping that one party is going to have the answers, we need to take a hard look at how the government functions in general.

I AM for smaller government! I AM for self-reliance! BUT I do believe that the government plays a very important part in all of that. Who is going to regulate those private systems? I listened to a story about Haiti today, did you know they privatize their educational system? Do we want EVERYTHING to be privatized? No. Because just like we cannot depend on the government to always to the "right" thing. We cannot depend on our companies to always to the "right" thing. Everyone is too concerned with their own well-being. Politicians want to be re-electable, companies want to grow richer.

Where have our values gone? We have become LAZY, we have become SELFISH, we have become out right MEAN to one another. One of my favorite quotes is from Henry David Thoreau, "I ask for, not at once no government, but at once a better government."

I am sick of the accusations, I am annoyed that I got insulted on Twitter for speaking out against a popular TV show host. "We are sons of David against progressives and queers!" Yep, that's ME alright. Married in an LDS temple to a MAN for time and all eternity. Wow, you people really know how to cut me straight to the core!

What is WRONG is our government! Scandals left and right! If they cannot be honest with themselves and with their wives how can you expect them to be honest with their faceless constituents tax dollars??? Let's stop calling each other TEA BAGGERS and PROGRESSIVES and start holding our government accountable!

Funny Thing, Courage...

2010-03-21T00:30:00.000-06:00

This last week I was given a list of the 10 attributes of a great leader. I was asked to rank myself on a scale from 1 - 10 and then choose three to work on. My lowest scoring being COURAGEOUS - I have decided it is my main area of focus.

Once you start to focus on something, it inevitably becomes the thing you are tested on most often.

During these past few days I have found my courage, lost it, and found it again. The biggest challenge ahead of me: worrying what other people think about me.

When I have thought about WHY I am silent or quiet in certain situations it is because I FEAR what someone else's perceptions about me might be. What an odd thing to be so fearful of!!!

I worry that I will come across as too abrasive.
I worry that someone will interpret my tone as condescending.
I worry that my ideas will be thought as ridiculous.
I worry that I may sound stupid.

I worry. I worry. I worry. And what for?

I wish I could be more like my dad.

He could care less what anyone thinks of him.

He does what he wants.

He doesn't let anyone take advantage of him.

I often ask myself, "what would my Dad do if he were in this situation?"

I usually know it, but I hardly ever have the COURAGE to do it.

I have been trying harder this week. I have stepped out of my comfort zone on a few minor occasions. And you know what happened? NOTHING so devastatingly awful to send me back to my hole of insecurities. I survived! I feel slightly more confident in myself.

The day that I recognized something had changed in me was the day I woke up listening to a Michael Moore interview followed by the Living End.

Michael Moore - now THERE is someone I find courageous. I know what people say about him, I know they think he is crazy. I am sure HE knows they think he is crazy. I did a search for his name on Twitter only to find that most of them were commenting on his waist size instead of his ideas. And yet, does Michael Moore shrink away from sharing what he thinks?

NO!

If he can do it, knowing perfectly well what others say about him. I guess I can be a little more courageous too.

Thank you Mr. Moore for giving me my courage this week.

Kalo Lahi

2010-03-09T19:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I got a call from my father in the mid afternoon, which is not uncommon. My father tends to just call me randomly in the middle of the day, when he knows I am at work just to talk, just to share his thoughts on a particular passage of scripture or ask me how I am. I love him. However, this conversation went almost exactly like this:

"Hi Lina. I was just calling you."

"Oh, thanks, Dad. How are you?"

"I'm okay. How are you?"

"I'm good."

"Your grandma Kalo passed away."

"Wait.... what???? When???"

"Over the weekend. I wasn't going to tell you guys."

My grandmother has lived in Tonga her whole life. She came here to Utah about 10 years ago and hated how cold it was. I have not seen her since. A few years ago, we had a scare, she was in the hospital and I thought, "What if she dies? I haven't seen her or talked to her or written her a letter in so long? How will I feel?" And yet, that provoked no change in behavior from me. I still was the same distant granddaughter, one who came for a summer and got to know her and then left never to be heard from again.

My father, cannot go to the funeral, or even go to be with his family because he has been out of work for months and months and months. His passport has expired and he has no money to go. The guilt I feel for not keeping in better contact is probably nothing compared to what he must feel. My dad LOVED his mother. I know that he is hurting inside because he refuses to show any emotion over it. His voice was so eerily calm when he told me the news. He sounded distant. Half believing if he did not say it - it was not true.

I don't know how I am supposed to feel about her passing. I feel so very sad, but it is mostly because I did not take the time to get to know her better, to create a real relationship. The distance is killer. I hardly speak to my family that is in California. We are the odd cousins, the cousins who live in Utah, who are half palangi, who never do anything with their Tongan cousins. We are weird. I have felt so apathetic towards these relationships for so long, but I'm sick of it being that way.

If our parents are not going to bring us together, it is up to me. I don't want to hear about another death of a cousin or a grandparent or an aunt and feel guilt instead of sadness over their memory.

Death is so very odd. It comes so quickly. So unexpectedly. Will we ever be used to having someone taken from us? It is only another testament of eternal life. It shows that we are strangers here. Our lives are meant to be spent in the eternities and to feel that ending of a "life" is not natural. It is mortal and we are immortal.

While it broadens my view it narrows it at the very same time. The things that matter most to me on this Earth are my family and friends. I tend to neglect them all too often. I am to busy with THINGS instead of people. I am too concerned with WORRY instead of happiness.

With the passing of my grandmother, I feel as if a part of me has been lost forever, the part of me that tends to get "caught up in the thick of thin things."

'Ofa atu, Kalo Lahi. I will see you on the other side.

I am not a yuppy.

2010-03-06T12:53:00.000-07:00

Hmmm, I am not even exactly sure how to start this one. So let's dive right in.

I am what could be classified as your average Mormon young adult. I was baptized when I was eight years old, got my young women's medallion, graduated from seminary, took out my second, third, and fourth ear piercings when the prophet asked. I've even worked for the church. The Family History Library to be precise, with many many wonderful senior missionaries and friends. I dated my husband for a year before we got married in the Salt Lake Temple at age 23 (PRETTY darn young). My husband has also grown up in Salt Lake. Although - he's not an Eagle Scout. How lazy right? He went and served a mission in Washington D.C. We both attend the temple regularly. We go to church every Sunday and we pay our tithing. We both have a strong testimony of this church.

Now, I cannot say that I know how Bryce came to know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church. So I will not try.

However, mine has been a long and sometimes hard one. Nevertheless, I know that it's true.

There are a lot of things that I don't know the answers to:

- Why were Blacks denied the Priesthood originally?

- Why does homosexuality exist if we do not believe it's right (because I really do not believe it's a choice, they are born that way)?

- Why was polygamy only banned after the government told us to do so?

- Why do bad things happen to good people? And why doesn't God stop them?

- What is going to happen to my friends and family that I love who are not members of the church?

I know a lot of people that have the same questions and problems including many many more. I have struggled with these questions throughout most of my teenage and young adult life. I don't know the right answers of what to say to some who may stumble across this post. I hope that you can find your own answers that can settle your mind and heart.

One thing I know - I am not a yuppy. I am not just going along with the flow because that is what "Mormon society" expects of me. I have had my chance to give it up, to pack it in, but I haven't. Have I considered it? Yes. But I cannot give it up. I cannot pack it in.

Life is hard. It requires hard things of us to help us grow. How would it be if everything was perfect, we all knew the answers, we were all going to go back to Heaven and be happy forever with no trials or hardships? Sounds great right? Sounds a lot like Lucifer's plan to me.

We have been granted that powerful and wonderful gift of AGENCY. The things in life that I value most - are the things I figured out on my own. Yes I like some direction - that is what the gospel is for, that is what teachers, friends, and family is for. But I like being independent. I like coming to my own conclusions and my own decisions. Because this is MY life and not yours MY answers will be different.

Agency means that things are going to be hard. We cannot STOP people from doing bad things. We cannot STOP our apostles and prophets from being HUMAN. Yes they are directed by God, but they are human nonetheless! I have the gift of the Holy Ghost. I have that same access to my Heavenly Father that they do. Maybe on a FAR FAR less intense scale, but if we were to apply the logic that our apostles and prophets should be perfect because they can communicate with God, then we better apply it to ourselves. I make WAY too many mistakes in one single day to count. The infamous "will of God" has CHANGED constantly throughout my life.

I have prayed SO many times to know what career I should go into. I STILL DON'T KNOW! (Mostly). So if the will of God changes in MY life. Lina Buchanan - little miss nobody. Then it changes for every human being, for our church, and for the entire human race as a whole.

So... YES life is hard. NO I don't know all the answers. YES the church is true and it requires a lot of sacrifice, obedience, and faith. I don't know how it will all work out in the end, but I know that Heavenly Father loves His children and that in His infinite wisdom HE will figure it out. My job is to trust Him, and I can do that.

Trouble's Been Doggin' My Soul Since the Day I Was Born

2010-02-15T17:18:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days that I just want to be sad.

I recognize that I'm being onery and unlikable, but instead of fixing it, I just let myself perpetuate this sadness. I have been diagnosed with Depression for a few years now. Which has helped me to realize that I'm NOT crazy. Or maybe I am, but at least there is a chemical reason for it.

Life is hard for those of us who tend to worry all too much about almost everything that you could ever worry about. Last night I fell asleep feeling like I suck, this morning I woke up to that same feeling and it never left. I wish I could do everything perfectly. I want to be the perfect boss. I want to be the perfect employee. I want to be the perfect primary teacher, visiting teacher, ward member, sister, wife, daughter, granddaughter, friend, student. I want so badly to be the best at everything, knowing that it is humanly impossible. And yet, I still feel disappointed with myself when I do not live up to such lofty expectations.

Now I know - I should stop being so hard on myself. I should learn to relax. Believe me, if I knew how to do that, I would have done so by now. I remember one of my doctors telling me that I need to take time for myself every day, "pick something to do for yourself everyday." Well that's all fine and dandy, but I don't know what to do for myself. There are only so many bubble baths you can take before they start to get old! I have a hard time calming my mind for long enough to want to read. I used to love reading! What happened? So I watch TV. But THEN I feel like I wasted my entire night on the couch.

Do you understand my complex? Sure I'd like to do something for myself but then I feel guilty that I'm not doing something more productive instead.

And yet - our house is always a mess. I feel like I am sucking it up at work. And I feel like I'm not progressing enough spiritually. WHILE I'm still managing to be a bad friend, a bad budgeter, and a bad family member.

So how do I solve this dilemma? What am I not thinking of? There has GOT to be a way to get out of this sad little predicament that I have got myself into. My only worry is that even when I do see the way out - that I will still choose to be sad. Kind of like today.

Baggage

2010-02-06T11:54:00.000-07:00

I am not writing this post to try and get sympathy or fake compliments.

That said - here we go:

I have struggled with weight all of my life. My family did not grow up eating healthy things, like most of America. I have always loved delicious fatty foods. I still do. During junior high and high school I struggled with an eating disorder. When I went to Tonga, I lost 20 pounds because I never ate any of the food. Not entirely because of my poor self-image, but because I really just don't like Tongan food. I had always been overweight before and finally I was losing weight - by NOT eating. So in my young mind that seemed the most sensible way to lose it. Needless to say that habit continued for a long time after I came home. Now, I was never stick thin, so no one really ever suspected me. So I continued to struggle with it for a long time. Even after I got out of high school.

Finally realizing what an unhealthy behavior it was, I gave it up. But - I gained it all back. I never learned how to keep things in moderation. I never learned what was healthy and what wasn't. I only knew - eat less - lose weight. I had no clue how to be healthy and fit. I hated exercise - who likes to get sweaty anyway!? While I may not have struggled with an eating disorder any longer. I still struggled with my self-esteem.

I had seen many of my high school friends get married so quickly out of high school. Being in Utah, I saw myself as falling behind. I thought there must be something wrong with me. Of course thinking that I am just completely perfect as far as personality goes (not really) it must be because of my weight. But instead of trying to change myself I thought, "someone should love me for who I am and not what I look like." I told myself that it was okay to keep my same unhealthy habits because that's not what someone would fall in love with anyway.

Well - I got married at age 23 to someone who loves me for who I am. I guess I felt that I could be myself around him and part of that self LOVES FOOD! Yummy salty fatty food! All of the sudden only a few months into our marriage. I was the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I was devastated. I went to the gym for hours on end. Losing minimal amounts. So I was frustrated and I gave up.

Then - one day I decided to listen to my friend Trish. "Watch the Biggest Loser it is the BEST show" I'd never had any desire to watch it. I don't care much for reality TV. Well about last November, I decided to give it a shot. That show has changed my life. I know that so many other people have had the same experience. So what if this is cliche. It has changed my life!

I bought a gym membership and started going. I only lost 4 pounds in 2 months and couldn't motivate myself to keep going. Again I thought all I had to do was work my butt off in the gym and I would just lose pounds like crazy. NOT TRUE.

Finally my sister gave me the final piece of the puzzle. Jillian Michaels. She bought her books for herself and shared with me the magic formula. Burn more calories than you take in. If you want to lose two pounds a week you have to burn 7,000! Simple enough, but I never realized that's what I needed to do!

All the little details aside, I have been sticking to this "diet" or as I like to look at it as a life change - since the beginning of January. Since then I have lost 9 pounds! A total of 13! I am feeling great and keeping my temptations at bay and occasionally giving in so I don't gorge myself someday. Not only that, but I actually LOVE going to the gym. I go to the group exercise classes and it is FUN. It doesn't feel like I am working out, it just feels like I am dancing. Rather awkwardly, but dancing nonetheless.

I feel healthy. I am getting over whatever problems have driven me to find comfort in food in the first place and I feel so much better about myself. I write this introductory post so that I can express my feelings about my "journey" as time goes on.

Thank you Jillian, thank you Bob. Thank you to all of those contestants who are such an inspiration to me. You have changed my life and I am eternally grateful.

It's a Race

2010-01-30T01:53:00.000-07:00

So I have started my one class this semester... Intro to Humanities.

Right now we are talking about race. Which, I don't often think about. Which I don't often talk about. As many of you may know, I am half Tongan and half palangi. I've been doing a lot of reading about some people feel that their race helps to define them and others feel that race shouldn't matter at all. I guess I always took the "doesn't matter at all" route because I never thought about how it made me feel to be biracial until a few days ago.

I've never encountered any prejudices against myself, probably because I am a lighter skinned person so most people can't even tell that I am anything other than white. I don't remember feeling different or weird about having a father who was Tongan and a mother who was white. Maybe it was because my father hasn't come to the Mormon church since my little sister was a baby and I was more concerned about that than his race. Maybe it was because my best friend growing up was from Guatemala, the friends in my ward were mixed races, my elementary school was full of mixed races. We were all just kids, going to school, learning things, playing with each other and concerned about being "cool".

Why is it that things have to change as we grow older? When do those prejudices start to set in? Why do they ever exist in the first place? I don't think that a lot of people are very vocal about their feelings towards other races because they don't want to be seen as racist. But I know that racism exists because I DO remember a man talking down to my father because he couldn't understand his "outrageous" accent. That happened when I was in my late teens and I remember being furious. So why did this man grow up with such a bias? Is it because he grew up in a neighborhood that was predominantly one race? Do people who stick to their own race judge what they don't know?

I do sometimes feel a little sad that I am not more involved in my Tongan culture. I feel sad that those traditions have ended with my father, at least on my end. And yet, I never really felt completely part of that culture either. When I was with my Tongan cousins, I felt more Tongan, but as soon as I came back to Utah, I fell right back into who I was before. So should we feel any ties to our race? Should we feel any ties to any specific group at all? Are we all only being who we are and acting the way we act because that's the culture we are currently in? My brother and sister and I were raised the exact same way and yet I look at them as Tongan, but I hardly ever refer to myself in that same context.

What I am trying to understand is whether or not we as Americans should embrace all sorts of cultures or if we should create a new culture as Americans. When I had a 4.0 a few years back, I remember getting an invitation from SLCC to a special dinner because I was a polynesian student who had achieved high honors. Why did they feel the need to single me out as a polynesian who got high honors. Why couldn't I just be a student who got high honors? Is it more rare to be polynesian and an academic achiever? Well, it shouldn't be! And if it is, why is it that way? What is wrong with our systems that has created this divide between races?

I have no specific point that I am trying to make. I am just having a hard time wrapping my brain around why racial stereotypes and divisions exist in the first place, where it comes from, and whether we are moving forward or whether we are perpetuating those stereotypes by having a specific type of cultural pride.

Meh. Race huh?

Massawhatsets?

2010-01-19T21:47:00.000-07:00

You know - I feel a little sad today. I see all of these status updates on facebook about the election in Massachusets, some who are elated to have a republican steal the senate seat, some who are frustrated and upset that a democrat's seat has been lost.

Personal opinions and beliefs aside, Massachusets voted for who they thought represented their ideals and standards at this time. Which, turns out to be someone more conservative than Ted Kennedy. That's great. It's democracy in action. It is exactly what America stands for. We vote for people who represent our ideals. Unfortunately, they are not always the popular ideals. Unfortunately, we sometimes "lose".

What frustrates me most about all of this politics bull crap is that people make everything into such a big deal! We don't live in Massachusets! What does it matter how they voted?? Do we ONLY care because we want to have popular control of the House or the Senate. And who is WE anyway? One party???? Does it honestly have to be a constant battle to prove who is "best"? Shouldn't we be focused on the problems Utah is facing?

No one that is running for office is EVIL, a liar maybe... but they are running for office to hopefully do some good. Maybe some are running for power or fame. But I'd honestly like to believe that those who run for public office truly want to be held accountable and make a difference. So why make them out to be such monsters? Because they have a different opinion than you? Heaven forbid we have at least two sides to every story in order to understand the issue more completely!

Yes some of us are democrats and some of us are republicans, but all of us together are Americans. My most sincerest wish at the bottom of my very heart is that people stop being so set in their views. "I'm RIGHT and YOU are WRONG" has GOT to stop! I don't care what your beliefs are, but don't presume that anything that comes out of a conservative or liberal mouth is going to boil your insides out with the very powers of hell!

Every opinion has some value in it, so listen instead of assuming your own superiority.

Ode to Hugsby

2010-01-17T00:44:00.000-07:00

Bryce has fallen asleep on the couch. He is so tall that his legs are dangling over the edge. :) It's pretty cute.

I don't think people understand just how awesome of a husband I have. He has been working all week to find the best deal for internet and got the installation set up for this morning. They were coming anytime between 8 and 12. So, Bryce diligently woke up at 7:30am on a Saturday morning to take a shower and be ready for them. While I... slept, until 9. Oh it was wonderful to sleep in.

I then hurriedly got ready to go to two baby showers. I left at 10 and didn't get home until 4:00pm. While other husbands might just lounge about the house while their wife is away, mine cleans, and launders clothes, and takes care of fishies. Laundry is the bane of my existence and I didn't even have to think about it today!

Bryce is always constantly putting my needs ahead of his own. I only worry that I will end up taking advantage of this and further perpetuate my laziness. He always helps me get ready in the morning, pouring my cereal in perfectly measured servings. He always takes Trax and often the bus to and from work and school because it is more convenient for him to do so. He puts shows on my iPod without being asked so when I go to the gym I have something to watch! He watches the Biggest Loser with me and supports me on my journey to a healthier lifestyle. He eats my leftover popcorn, because I can only eat 4 cups of it, and he eats it almost every night!

He went grocery shopping this evening so I could stay home and get some work done. He thought to buy me different flavored snacks because he worried that I would get sick of one specific kind. He always ALWAYS opens the door for me and always ALWAYS is a gentleman. He drops me off at the temple doors so I don't have to walk in the cold with my exposed legs! He is always there to comfort me when I am crying or stressed.

A lot of people say we are still in the honeymoon phase, but I don't agree. I think I just got pretty lucky and scored a totally rad husband. He is the sweetest guy on Earth and ever so patient with my craziness. I don't know what I ever did to deserve this kind of person in my life, but I sure am glad it worked out this way.

Hugbsy, I love you.

The Only Thing

2009-12-30T17:54:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling like it's time to write a blogpost about what life has been like over this past year. I just read my friend Nicole's blog about what goals she has accomplished this year and thus... here I am.

It's amazing how much marriage speeds up your maturity rate. I always thought I had a pretty good grasp on life, that maybe I was smarter than your average bear. However, I have come to realize that I will never get it figured out and just when I do, something else will get thrown in and throw off my entire theory of everything... YES, everything.

Except one.

I try not to be self-righteous or preachy. I could try and be politically correct, but this is my blog dang it, and it is me, and the most important part of me is being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I always knew that, but marriage has helped me to realize just how much I need Heavenly Father every single day.

Heavenly Father loves us so much. As frustrated as I get with almost everything else in my life, my Heavenly Father never gives up on me. Life's meaning is so much more clear with that lense. I often tend to want to curl up in a ball and forget all of my problems. WHY do I have to be an adult! Why do I have to figure out how to balance life! Money! Who knew money would really ever stress me out! Callings! Family! Self-Esteem! Work! Friends! GAH! Politics! Ignorance! I tend to stress myself out all too often. How could there ever be a remedy to calmn my so easly troubled soul?!

When am I most happiest? When I am doing the things I know are right. When I have my mind fixed on what is most important and THAT is pleasing my Heavenly Father. Oh! If I pray more, I find that I have a listening ear of someone who is perfect and will send the help I need just when I need it? OH! If I read my scriptures every day I will feel the courage and strength to do everything that is required of me? OH! If I keep paying my tithing, unannounced, unexpected blessings will come when we really could use them?

When our priorities are right - our lives will be too. Does that mean they are going to be perfect? No. Even when I am doing those things, I have still spent many a night crying my eyes out.

But after all of those months, I can feel the difference in myself. I feel happier. I feel wiser. I feel confident. I feel vastly more mature. I feel peace. I know I am not the same person I was a year ago and I know that the reason I feel infinitely more optimistic about well... pretty much... everything is because my testimony has taken hold of my soul and pointed me in the right direction.

Life is awesome. THANK YOU Heavenly Father, for that gift.

The Deathly Hallows

2009-08-04T17:28:00.000-06:00

So, I'm reading Harry Potter again... this is only my second time reading the 7th book. And I'm hooked, addicted, can't sleep, can't think. All I want to do is read Harry's final PUBLISHED adventure.

I remember when I first heard about the books I thought, "You've got to be kidding me. A book about a boy who learns magic at a school with his magic friends?" It sounded, undoubtedly... LAME.

However, as chance would have it, I decided to seee what the big deal was. The first chapter in The Sorcerer's Stone was titled "The Boy Who Lived", but could have also been approprately called, the boy who helped Lina cope with life. I now have a REAL boy, who does a fantastically superb job... but Harry helped me to escape to an imaginary world before Bryce came along.

All of those late nights, biting my nails, sneaking quick glances over my shoulder, believing that any second Lord Voldemort would materialize and threaten me, little Lina, to tell him Harry's whereabouts. Those nights are back, and so is my renewed love for the book series.

On Sunday, I finished up Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, and I cried. I cried because of Harry's bravery. I cried because Albus Dumbledore was once again taken from my life. I cried because while eventhough the Wizarding World is so far from being realistic, it's themes are resonatinigly human.

Harry has had to deal with more than any of us have had to deal with at such a young age. His parents, murdered, by the most evil wizard of all time. He was sent to a family who did not love him, who forced him to sleep under the stairs, who for all intents and purposes wished that he did not exist. When he finally escapes this dreadful existence, he is then confronted with the ghost of his past. Lord Voldemort was not only seeking to murder his parents, but him. He faces that villian at the age of 11, and then again at the age of 12, age 13 he fights off over one hundred dementors, age 14 - Lord Voldemort returns to his full strength, age 15 he is discredited by the Ministry of Magic and the entire Wizarding World believes him to be a liar - he also finds out that it is he who must eventually track down this infamous wizard and put and end to his life. This is really just the tip of the iceberg.

And yet, with all of these challenges... all of these reasons to give up, to sulk, to give in. Harry does not do so. He remains faithful to his friends, to his family, and to Albus Dumbledore. He does not shrink, but faces his challenges head on.

"It was, he thought, the difference between being dragged into the arena to face a battle to the death and walking into the arena with your head held high. Some people, perhaps, would say that there was little to choose between the two ways, but Dumbledore knew - and so do I, thought Harry, with a rush of fierce pride, and so did my parents - that there was all the difference in the world. "

After all, if Harry can show courage with the entire weight of the world on his shoulders, why can't I?

Families are Fantastically Fun

2008-11-30T18:07:00.000-07:00

Family is my most favorite thing ever. Well, next to Bryce, but he counts as family.

What is a family? Here are a few definitions taken from www.dictionary.com

fam⋅i⋅ly

[fam-uh-lee, fam-lee] Show IPA Pronunciation
noun, plural -lies, adjective –noun

1.	parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not.

2.	the children of one person or one couple collectively: We want a large family.

3.	the spouse and children of one person: We're taking the family on vacation next week.

4.	any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins: to marry into a socially prominent family.

5.	all those persons considered as descendants of a common progenitor.

Oh. Okay. So parents, children, grand children, etc etc. LAME definition.

What is a family REALLY?

The definition I like best is this one: The Family - A Proclamation to the World

What I love most about my family or about families in general is that they teach us how to love a person unconditionally without having to like them all of the time. I know that there have been countless times in my life when I feel like a jerk for being annoyed or frustrated by a friend, coworker, ward-mate.

But guess what, as annoyed or frustrated that I get with those people, I have had knock-down-drag-out fights with my parents, calling each other the most ruthless of names with my sister, biting my siblings (not recently this was when I was a little kid ok?).

We have very different opinions on politics, how a specific gospel principle should be applied, how high the temperature in our house should be. We don't like the same movies, same books, same music. I would rather spend a lot of my free time surfing the internet. My sister likes spending her time watching TV, my brother plays the Wii, my mom reads, my dad eats Oreos.

We yell and scream and tell each other that they suck.

And yet, I love these people more than I love anyone else on Earth.

Why? Because they are my family. And what I love even more is that I will be with this family forever.

I love my mother for her faith in the Lord, for her strength and courage to bring us to church every single Sunday without the help of her husband. And because of that, we are happy.

To quote that inspired proclamation: "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."

What makes it even better is that now that Bryce and I will be married, I have TWO families to disagree and yell and despise for an hour or two at a time. BUT I love them a gazillion times more than any of those silly little fights.

Today we went to Steve and Laura's baby blessing. It was great to see Steve being a righteous Dad and praising his righteous wife. I love them both. I love Heather and Jeff. I love Lynn and Janice. I love little Emily, Allie, and now Natalie.

They are a new addition to my all-time favorite thing: family.

To quote Elder M. Russell Ballard, "What matters most lasts longest."

I am grateful for eternal families and for the family I have now and for the Buchanan family that I can soon count as my own. Eventhough NO ONE in either of those families will ever read this, I love you.

Most Sincerely,
Lina

The Little Things Matter

2008-11-19T00:32:00.006-07:00

On my way to church on Sunday, I was listening to 89.1fm. They usually have past BYU devotionals, CES Firesides, etc etc playing. I can't remember who was speaking, probably because I'm only in the car for about 5 to 7 minutes and I never seem to time it just when they happen to announce who's talk it is.

However, he was speaking about President Reuben J. Clark of the First Presidency quite a few years back. He told about the meeting of apostles before general conference in the Salt Lake Temple. He stated that President Clark, who was over 90 at the time, gave the opening/closing prayer. In that prayer President Clark asked that he might remain faithful to the very end of his life.

Finding it odd, that a man of such spiritual stature would feel that he needed to ask for such a blessing, he asked President Clark why he did such a thing. In response he was told that there is always a chance that he might criticize what one of the Bretheren might say, or he might say an unkind word about another, and that he did not want anything to be on his conscience at the time of his passing.

What I find impressive (which was also stated in the talk) is that even someone like President Clark, someone who has probably lived a far more valiant and dedicated life than myself, still felt that at age 90 he needed to ask our Heavenly Father's help to remain faithful until the end of his life. How much more do WE need help from a loving Heavenly Father, who is ready and willing to bless us with all things?

What I have finally realized in my life, is that the little things really do matter. The usual "sunday school answers" are that BECAUSE they are so critical to our spiritual well-being. We absolutely have to pray MORNING and NIGHT. We absolutely have to read our scriptures. We absolutley have to attend the temple and do our family history, magnify our callings, obey our priesthood leaders. I wish that the biggest struggles I had to overcome, were criticizing others and speaking ill of others. Only after 90 years of doing all of the small things, do I think I will ever get to that stage.

One of my favorite quotes in my lifetime ever to have existed is that from President Hinckley, "Character may be manifested in the great moments, but it is made in the small ones."

What small decisions are we making today to keep us on the straight and narrow path? Are we praying each morning and night, pleading with our Heavenly Father to help us become better? Or are we too tired or too busy? I have complete faith that if we pray, we will study, and if we study, we will do, and if we do, Satan will have no power over us.

For real.

The Little Things Matter

2008-11-19T00:32:00.005-07:00

President Barack Obama

2008-11-05T00:43:00.005-07:00

I for one, am very excited that Obama has won the presidency this evening.

I will agree with the sentiments that Barack Obama does not have as many years of experience as John McCain. I remember when Rudy Giuliani spoke at the Republican National Convention he said that America is hiring someone for a job, and if we were to get the resumes of Barack Obama and John McCain, it would be obvious who would have had more experience.

I have never disagreed with the years of dedicated service that John McCain has given to our country.

What I DO disagree on (and apparently I am in a place to feel so confident because my candidate won tonight) is that experience is not the ONLY thing that makes a person qualified for a job OR for the presidency, for that matter.

Why did Barack Obama win tonight? Was it because of his years of experience in the Senate or Illinois and Chicago politics? No.

He won because the American people believe in him.

We have had the resumes of both candidates for quite sometime, what John McCain and Rudy Giuliani didn't account for is that when you are hiring someone for a job... the most important part is the interview!

Even when someone is far more qualified EXPERIENCE wise, it doesn't mean that they are suited for the job.

Barack Obama has proved over these past 2 years of campaigning that he has the stamina, determination and vision to lead this country to prosperity. He has inspired a turnout of voters UNMATCHED in recent years.

I don't think that America is looking for a Savior. We are not all hoping that Obama will solve all of our problems. What we have been looking for and have finally found, is someone that has the character to get through this mess of a world we are living in now, and bring us out of it.

His acceptance speech tonight was brilliant, as all of his speeches really are. He called for a spirit of sacrifice. He let McCain supporters know that he was indeed THEIR President too. He had only good things to say of Senator McCain and Sarah Palin.

I am so happy to say that I finally believe in a leader when I never have before and that leader is President Barack Obama.

Let's Paint the White House Black

2008-10-24T17:55:00.003-06:00

Thanks Ludacris for your insightful words. He is also quoted at saying, "I love women so much... I am one."

Just a little Luda trivia for you.

Today as I was listening to NPR they had a segment about race. Did you know that there is a black man running for President? A black man!

What I think is ridiculous is that this is even a factor at ALL. When Obama first started his campaign I never really considered that he was a black man until someone said to me, "Isn't it cool that the two most prominent Democratic candidates aren't white old men? One is a woman and the other is a black man." Oh... yeah... he IS black!

Now, the McCain campaign has been very respectful of this, not attacking his race at all, and reassuring their supporters that he is indeed a Christian.

The only thing that concerns me is that many people are afraid of a black man as President... AFRAID. A woman was quoted today saying, "I feel like if we put a black man in the white house, they will try to seek out revenge. There once was a time when a black man wasn't allowed to walk on the same sidewalk as a white man. I am scared that it will be the other way around."

You are concerned that "they" will take revenge? For the many years of enslavement? For the many MANY years of unequal rights? YOU are seriously concerned that the black people will rise up and do the same to you??? What are we? In the 1920's??

I expect that those of us in Utah don't really see this side of racism. We don't really have a lot of black people around to be racist towards!

Obama is an educated, well-spoken, smart, visionary man. His race is of no merit nor detriment. I think it's about time we had a president that isn't part of "the 'ol boys club" in Washington. I applaud the Democratic party for recognizing that eventhough Obama's race could be a factor for many AS WELL AS Hillary's gender. They still put their faith in the American people to realize that neither of those qualities should make any difference in whether or not a person is qualified to be President.

I have previously responded to an email, from a very good friend, stating that Obama will stand up for terrorists.

I understand that it will be a change to have a President that does not fit the typical bill (I am speaking as if he's already won... but I do so because I really and truly hope that is the case) but we are all adults. Let's start acting like them. No more of this, "Obama pals around with terrorists!" "John McCain is in the likeness of George Wallace!" "If Obama wins, the black people will rise up against us!"

"FEAR leads to ANGER, ANGER leads to HATE, HATE leads to SUFFERING." Thanks Yoda, we should have listened to you, oh wise Jedi Master, a looooooong time ago.

Work Ethic

2008-10-14T18:51:00.004-06:00

Ok. This doesn't have to do with the gospel or politics... so sorry, it's just a little blip about work ethic.

Today, I got free lunch at work. Yay right? Not really. I don't mind a free lunch or something after a job well done or if it's my birthday. But I think it's a little ridiculous to get rewarded for doing... your job...?

I do believe there is such a thing as rewarding employees too often. I have been thinking that my company could be so much better off if they didn't take people out to lunch all of the time. Today Jani and I went to Woodland to help with gathering information for some medical charts. I know Greg was trying to be nice and tell us thank you. But really all I need to hear is, "thank you for your help!" When you reward people too often, they get by on doing sub-standard work. Case in point... I said, "I don't feel like I've done anything to merit a free lunch today." In response Jani says, "Maybe you should clean up the gym a bit or something then." My response, "Why should I? If I am getting a free lunch without going above and beyond my duty?"

THAT is the mentality that will prevail when we are rewarded too often. Yes be grateful to those who help you, but don't be so quick to hand out prizes for every small JOB accomplished because those who work for you will do less and less and expect the same reward and the same praise for that crappy work.

And on the other end... don't expect to be rewarded for everything you do! You're doing your job, you're getting paid for it. If you go above and beyond, ok then you deserve free lunch. But if you are doing what is required of you.... your paycheck should be your reward. Let's all gripe a little less and get to work shall we?

Owning Our Mistakes

2008-10-04T09:05:00.004-06:00

Now first of all, I don't claim to be a conservative and I don't claim to be a liberal. My beliefs and ideas will not always fall to one side or the other. So if you have in your head some idea of what political persuasion I am... get it out, because I probably won't adhere to it.

I have felt compelled to write my thoughts on this subject because of the current economic crisis going on here in the United States. Have you heard about it? It hasn't got much attention. Just type "financial meltdown" into Google and there might be an article or two you could read about it.

I also do not claim to be an economic expert or a business expert, but I guess the people we thought were those experts... screwed us over pretty badly anyway. So what do I care if Kerry Klinger decides to read this and tell me I have the wrong grasp of the economy.

Secretary Poulson, you can clear some things up for me if you'd like. Please feel free to interject at anytime Mr. Bush.

AIG, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, Lehman Brothers, Wall Street, Washington Mutual, Wachovia... What the hell is going on??? Time Magazine helped me see the light: http://www.time.com/time/business/article/0,8599,1842123,00.html

Ok yes there was "corporate greed" most definitely. As I've heard said by so many... the philosophy was that times were good, they were making a lot of money, we don't need to worry! Read the article if you'd rather focus on that topic.

My focus here is what I think the other half of the problem is. AGAIN, I'm no expert on finances, so just calm down if I get your knickers in a twist. First of all, I am still opposed to the bailout. It is not my concern that America remain the most promininet financial market in the world. Because apparently we never really WERE. What I want is for Americans to be happy and to be satisfied, and in this case I think a little tough love from our government would have been the best thing for us.

We depend way too heavily on borrowed money. Myself included. I have a car loan. I have had credit cards. I have had a student loan in the past yes. So the credit markets were frozen... what does that mean? It's harder to get a loan? We would have to have nearly impecable credit in order to get another loan?

How is this a bad thing?

Whatever happened to the notion of saving up money before you buy things? Yes, even something as big as a house. Whatever happened to living within our means? Do you really need that BMW to impress the people in your neighborhood?

Because I had gotten myself in the habit of using credit and because I can see the effects of it on my life now, I am living with my mistakes, and now I know better for it! But how much better of a situation would I be in now if I never made that mistake in the first place????

So what you can't buy a new car! Save up for it then! So what you can't buy a house with nothing down, SAVE UP FOR IT THEN! So what you can't get a school loan! Work for it then! Parents invest in your children's lives early on instead of buying that flatscreen.

We could all use a little slice of humble pie I think and own up to our mistakes. If we want our financial markets to be free instead of owned by the government then we have to live with that! "Capitalism without financial failure is not capitalism at all, but a kind of socialism for the rich."

What Is My Purpose?

2008-07-14T17:45:00.003-06:00

I have been having a hard time deciding exactly what direction to take my blog.
I kept saying to myself...Everyone has a blog; so how do I get mine to stand out? What would make mine worth reading? Not only to my friends; but hopefully to the outside world.

I used to keep a blog on MySpace. I have always liked the idea of sitting down and directing my thoughts into a little blip for others to read; whether it meant something to them or not. I have missed doing that and wanted to start again, but had no real reason to.

However, in a recent Ensign article Elder Ballard suggests that we share the gospel online. I do not wish to seek out chatrooms or discussions; but instead I wish to simply testify of truths and thoughts that have come to me as I study the scriptures and the gospel. More importantly I wish to share how these ideas relate to politics and the world around us.

I do hope that as I write; both sides of the spectrum... both far right conservatives and far left liberals will be willing to express their thoughts in a POSITIVE way and with a spirit of OPEN-MINDEDNESS.

The thing that I have learned about politics and religion is that people get upset very easily BECAUSE they believe that their way is the only way and that if you disagree you must be a complete moron. I am working on that myself; but if I receive any comments that are either directly attacking me; my religion; or any other's opinions and beliefs... they WILL be deleted; no questions asked.

That is all for now; I do not have time to write more because I need to get ready to watch 4 episodes of Lost tonight.

Thanks for reading,
Lina

Intro

2008-07-09T01:26:00.000-06:00

Yes I'm starting a new blog; along with everyone else in the world.
Don't judge me; I don't judge you.
Read them if you want; it's okay if you don't.
Most CERTAINLY make comments.

Love You,
Lina